Running In Place
by DustyMonkey
Summary: Alex/Casey pairing. A different take on the events of "Night" where it is Alex that finds Casey after she is attacked in her office. Will it be enough for Alex to finally admit her feelings for Casey?
1. Prologue

**A different take on when Casey was beat up in her office. What if it was Alex who found her after, not Olivia? Will it be enough to make Alex finally admit her feelings for Casey? told from alternating POV's of Alex and Casey.**

 **This is an Alex/Casey pairing and very much a love story so look elsewhwere if not your thing. The first chapter is a prologue to set the tone.**

 _I hear commotion down the hall from a nearby office. There's only person I can think of who stays at the office as late as I do; Casey Novak. She's often noisy, shuffling around pacing when she's trying to think and slamming drawers in frustration._

 _But something about the noise I heard is unsettling and a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach forces me to leave my office and go check to make sure everything is all right._

 _i have such a complicated relationship with Casey Novak. I have never met a person who could infuriate me one moment to the point where I feel I'm going to pop a blood vessel, and then charm me the next._

 _But that's Casey._

 _She still makes careless mistakes that I have to clean up and doesn't know when to use her filter. I've had several migraines brought on by her._

 _But she's also the only person who can make me laugh - a real genuine laugh. She always seems to know when I need it most. It will be a comment, or a look, or a text message and it's always what I need when i need it._

 _When she brushes up against me in the elevator, I always feel a spark. I wonder if she feels it too. If so, she gives no indication that she does._

 _I'm not supposed to like women. I'm supposed to be straight as an arrow, and someday meet me a nice judge or Senator and be their arm candy. That's what is expected of me._

 _So I admit it's complicated._

 _When I get to her office it's completely dark. I frown. I swear I just heard her in here moments ago. Voices talking and then the noises I heard. She must have left in a hurry._

 _The door is open so I step into her office and turn the light on. And my stomach lurches at what I see._

 _Her office is a mess; broken glass and files strewn about. The chair overturned.But it's what I see a few feet away that makes my heart stop._

 _Casey is laying on her back on the floor, her head turned to one side. "Casey!" I scream in horror. I literally run to her and drop to my knees._

 _She has blood coming out of her nose. I shake her and call her name several times, but she does not respond. She's breathing but unconscious._

 _I've started to cry, and I don't even know when it happened. My breath is hitching in my throat; I have to call for help. She needs to be taken to the hospital immeaditely._

 _I start screaming for help. The custodial staff is often here at this hour and I hope against hope that they can hear me._

 _After a few seconds of screaming, I spot her office phone on the floor. I reach for it with shaking hands when I hear a gasp behind me._

 _"What the hell happened?!"_

 _I turn to see Olivia enter the office, carrying a brown paper drink carrier with two coffees. She quickly sets it down and rushes over._

 _"Call for help!" I yell at her. "Please call for help."_

 _I watch her scramble for her cell phone and am vaguely aware of her calling 911. She says something to me, asks me a question, but I just shake my head._

 _"Casey," I whisper, taking Casey's hand and holding on tight. "You have to be okay. You have to pull through this for me. Please."_

 _My face is a red swollen mess of tears. I can't remember the last time I was this frightened._

 _They are taking too long to get here. Olivia has hung up now and I angrily throw over my shoulder, "Where the fuck are they?"_

 _No sooner do the words leave my mouth when I hear sirens._

 _The next few minutes are a blur. The EMTs rush in and load Casey on a stretcher. Olivia tries to get me stand out of the way, but I won't let go of her hand. If she wakes up she is going to wake up to me being at her side and not alone._

 _I'm told I can't ride in the ambulance with her, that I have to stay and give my statement. But I mince no words in letting everyone know my intentions and I climb in the back of the ambulance and say a prayer as the doors close._

 _I'm still holding Casey's hand and I wipe my eyes with the sleeve of my other hand._

 _I am so scared that Casey is going to die before I can ever tell her how I feel about her. Before I can ever explore my feelings and see if she feels the same._

 _Please God, don't let her die..._

 **If there is enough interest in me continuing the story I will update frequently. Please review!**


	2. Chapter 1

**Thanks for reading! glad I have some interest in tis. I have big plans so hang tight!**

 **ALEX'S POV**

"Novak," I breathe out, running a hand through my hair in exasperation. "Are you _trying_ to get fired?"

I had a headache before; now I have a migraine.

Ten minutes ago I foolishly thought I had a moment's free time. I opened my laptop in an attempt to answer some long overdue emails, only to have my phone ring and Arthur Branch ask me to clean up Casey Novak's latest mess.

So here I am, standing in her office.

"You know better than to shoot your mouth off. I know Branch has talked to you before. That defense attorney that you went off on? Do you know who his father is?"

Casey glares at me, sitting back in her chair and crossing her arms in front of her chest in a defensive posture. "No, but I bet I am about to find out."

"His father is on the board of the State Bar," I tell her. "And he called Branch and gave him an earful about your conduct. As you can imagine, Branch isn't interested in having someone on the State Bar board be angry with him."

"So he went and tattled to daddy, and daddy fought his battle for him?" Casey sneers. "Charming."

I sigh. "I need you to take this seriously."

"Aren't you even going to ask me what happened? Hear my side of it?" Casey demands.

She's so worked up. I can tell she's upset and angry. And as angry as I am, a part of me can't help but be turned on by how worked up she is right now.

She's beautiful even when she's angry. Maybe even more beautiful than usual. She gets a slight blush on her cheeks, and I've noticed the way she chews her bottom lip subtly.

I shake my head, shaking away the I inappropriate thoughts. I'm Casey's superior; I can't be thinking about her this way.

"Okay. Why did you go off on him?" I humor her.

"Because guys like him think they can say whatever they want. We're women and we have to put up with it. Well, we don't and I won't. He kept making comments to me about my looks and I kept blowing it off and ignoring it. That's nothing new; you know how it is. But it went too far when he asked of my seat were comfortable enough or if I would like to sit on his lap. I let him know what a disgusting pig he was, and I make no apologies for it."

I'm suddenly not angry anymore; I'm enraged, and not at Casey.

"That's disgusting. I am sure his father neglected to mention that to Branch." I know I shouldn't say what comes to mind next, but I say it anyway. "I'm glad you let him have it; no one has a right to talk to you that way. Good for you."

Casey looks downright shocked that I am taking her side. She states at me for a moment, and then says, "You're condoning it?"

"Well not exactly. You do have to practice care with what you say. But I'm glad you stuck up for yourself."

Casey is smiling now. She has such a lovely smile. I wish she would wear it more often.

"How big is the pile of shit I stepped in? Do i need to go see Branch?" Casey asks.

Leave it to her to put it that way.

All my anger is gone now. Casey has a way of doing that to me like no one else can. She gets under my skin and stays there and I find myself easily swayed.

"No. Lucky for you, I have family on the board as well. I'll take care of it." Casey smiles at me. "But look, you really need to be careful. You're a great prosecuter and I would hate to see you jeopardize that. Just please, once in awhile, use a filter."

She looks at me, and then draws a halo around her head in the air. It's so cute and endearing that I almost blush. But somehow I'm able to keep my composure.

I say goodbye to Casey and head back to my office. It's a busy day and as focused as I try to be, thoughts of Casey just keep creeping in.

.2

A couple hours later there is a knock on my closed office door. A closed door means i am busy, and I sigh and ask who is there.

Instead of answering, the door opens and Casey steps inside, holding something behind her back. Without a word she approaches my desk and sets down a brown paper bag.

"What is this?" I ask. I raise an eyebrow and cross my arms in front of my chest. I look at the brown paper bags as if they are radioactive.

Casey smiles at me. "An apology. It's from that Chinese place that you like."

I stare at Casey. God, she's beautiful. I hope she knows that; I hope she has someone tell her that every day.

I had been so angry at her just a couple hours ago. And now, seeing her smile and looking at those subtle freckles on her nose, all the anger melts away and is replaced with a feeling I haven't felt in awhile.

"I know it won't make up for what I did," Casey says. "I'm sorry that Branch made you deal with it. All I can do is say I'm sorry and offer you this delicious food. I hope you will accept my apology."

If it were anyone else I would toss them out of my office. But Casey brings out all my weaknesses and as strong and stern as I want to be, I can't be.

I find myself smiling back at her and I motion at the bags. "Let's see what you got."

Casey opens the bags. She got rice and orange chicken and two egg rolls. How she knew orange chicken is my favorite I don't know.

Casey watches me hopefully. "Is it okay?"

I raise my eyes to meet hers. She smiles again and that's enough to make me melt into a puddle under my desk. Her smile goes all the way to her eyes.

I pretend to be disinterested in the food and casually say, "Well I am hungry and this saves me a trip, so...apology accepted."

Casey seems relieved. I swear her eyes actually twinkle at me. She thanks me and turns to leave my office.

I suddenly don't want her to go. Having her here makes my stress melt away. I think of nothing but her and what it would be like to kiss her.

"Stay and join me," I say, effectively stopping her in her tracks. She turns around and looks at me. "There's enough for two. Stay and have lunch with me. Unless you have somewhere you have to be?"

 **CASEY'S POV**

Alex Cabot wants me to stay and eat lunch with her. She's looking at me hopefully and her blue eyes reflect warmth.

"Casey? Do you have somewhere you have to be?" she asks again, snapping me out of my trance.

If I did I would immediately shrug it off to have lunch with the most beautiful woman in the world.

I have liked Alex for a long time. She's strikingly beautiful but that's not the reason I have developed feelings for her. She's fiercely intelligent and confident and passionate for her job. Yes sometimes she can be cold but I have always thought it was a tactic to detach herself from her job.

And now she's asking me to have lunch with her in her office. Her eyes have almost a pleading look to them and I sit down in the chair in front of her desk without a word.

She smiles, and it lights up her whole face. I don't see her smile often and the sight almost takes my breath away. It makes her much more beautiful, if that were even possible.

She smiles again and sets one of the containers of orange chicken on the desk in front of me. She opens the bag as if looking for something, frowning. "Didn't you get chopsticks?"

I laugh. "Seriously, Alex? I'm too clumsy to eat with those."

She does kind of a half smile half frown and it's the cutest thing in the world. "Well I'm graceful."

 _Don't I know it._

Alex eyes me and opens the top drawer of her desk. I watch as she places two packs of sealed plastic forks on the desk. "You're lucky I'm prepared, Casey, or you'd be going back for chopsticks."

Casey. She called me Casey. My heart skips a beat. She usually always addresses me as Novak. Hearing her say my name has a ring of familiarity to it.

I mentally scold myself for overthinking this. She asked me to stay for lunch and she's trying to be friendly; that's all.

"How are you doing?" Alex asks, sinking her fork into a peice of chicken and taking a bite.

It's such a normal, casual thing to ask someone. Small talk, usually. But the way she said it - and the way she is looking in my eyes - feels like she actually cares.

I wish I could tell her; I long to tell her. I want to tell her I'm lonely and long for someone to come home to. Someone to vent my frustrations to that will understand. Someone to put their arms around me and tell me we will face the world together. Someone to fall asleep with.

I haven't been on even a date in over a year. I'm always working. Anyone I've dated in the past has been scared away by my job.

I wonder if Alex dates, and if so, what kind of man - or woman; wishful thinking - would she be interested in? It would have to be someone as smart and gorgeous as she is. I'm neither of those, and she's way out of my league.

I need to stop torturing myself with these thoughts.

Alex Cabot will never feel the same way about me.


	3. Chapter 2

**ALEX'S POV**

"Casey Novak, you are beautiful, intelligent and kind. You drive me mad. I could stare into your green eyes all day. Would you go out with me?"

I stare at myself in the mirror in my office and sigh. I looked so confident saying those words. I didn't waver at all. Why can't I say them to Casey? Why do I suddenly lose all my nerve when the opportunity to say them arises?

I already know the answer to that.

Mostly I'm afraid of rejection. I've never been rejected before and I'm afraid of the way I would handle it. I would be humiliated, no doubt, and would retreat to what I always do when I'm hurt or embarrassed - I would be cruel. And I don't want to be cruel to Casey. She doesn't deserve it.

Then there's my reputation. My father would not approve of me dating a woman. It would cause waves and tension in my family. They have expectations for me and that doesn't include being with a woman.

And how would my colleagues react? I'm Casey's superior; technically we can't date. And Elliot, and Olivia? Would they approve? Their approval and respect matters to me.

I know I should just settle for being her friend. Having her in my life as a friend is better than not having her at all, right?

Wrong. It's getting increasingly harder every day to be around and pretend that everything is normal; to not let on that I have feelings. She will brush her hair back behind her ear or bite her bottom lip, or just brush up against me and I feel like I will lose all my resolve right then and there.

"Alex!"

I turn around quickly upon hearing my name, snapping myself out of my thoughts.

Olivia is standing in the doorway of my office, and she regards me with a smile. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. I've been calling your name. You kind of looked like you were in your own world there."

I walk away from the mirror, slight embarrassment on my face. "I'm sorry; I've got a lot on my mind. What can I help you with?"

Olivia comes into my office. "Anything you want to talk about?"

I shake my head and sit down at my desk. Olivia gives good advice; I wish I could tell her. But even if I wanted to, I'm far too professional to discuss personal issues at work.

Olivia senses it is something I don't want to talk about and quickly switches modes.

"I'm going to be working a case kind of late with Casey. I was about to go get us dinner when I noticed you were still here too. Did you want something to eat?"

"I appreciate the offer, but no thanks. I have some reports to finish up then I'll be heading home shortly." I know it's a total lie. These reports will turn into hours more of paperwork and I'll work right through dinner.

I busy myself working again and about an hour passes. My back hurts from sitting so I decide to get up and take a walk down the hall. I go into the restroom - and what I see makes me want to back right out.

Casey is standing in front of the mirror, a frown upon her beautiful face and wiping at her blouse with a papertowel. I want to back right out the door, but she looks up and sees me in the mirror.

I can't flee now.

God she's beautiful. Her blouse is hugging her frame perfectly and her red hair cascades down over her shoulders. She turns and faces me.

I push aside my adoration for her and manage to ask, "what's going on?"

Casey sighs. "Olivia got us chicken wings. More of the BBQ sauce ended up on my shirt than in my mouth."

Instinctively I walk over to her. She stops wiping the very obvious red stain which is now darker with wetness. The stain is just above her breast, and I feel my face flush. I hope she didn't notice.

"You'll make it worse like that. I have some extra blouses in my office if you want to wear one."

Casey meets my eyes and smiles at me. That smile is the most radiant thing I have seen in a long time, and it makes me feel warm.

"I appreciate that. But I'm not planning on going anywhere else except home so I'll be good," she says.

"Why are you here so late?" I ask.

She raises an eyebrow. "Why are you?"

I laugh lightly. "Valid point. Email, reports...need I go on?"

"I'm just working on a tough case," Casey says. She leans up against the sink and crosses her arms in front of her chest. "Me and Olivia are going over some things."

For the first time since I have known her, I feel a ping of jealousy towards Olivia. Of course I know she has nothing going on with Casey...but I can't help myself.

"If you need any help let me know," I say stupidly.

This time Casey laughs and it makes me blush again. "I think I got a handle on it. But thanks. You're a sweetheart."

 _Sweetheart...she called me a sweetheart_.

It was completely innocent and I know it, but it makes my heart skip a beat.

"Back to work I go," Casey says, finally moving from her place by the sink. She reaches out and touches my arm and I stiffen, feeling a surge go through me. "Have a good night, Alex."

As soon as the restroom door closes, I grip the sides of the sink and take a deep breath. I lower my face and splash water onto it.

 _Get a grip, Alex. Casey is your colleague. She reports to you. You can't be thinking these thoughts about her._

I go back to my office and try to busy myself with work again. I feel a headache creeping in and pop a couple Advil from my desk.

I should go home. There's no reason I have to still be here. But what's at home for me?

I hear commotion down the hall from a nearby office. There's only person I can think of who stays at the office as late as I do; Casey. She's often noisy, shuffling around pacing when she's trying to think and slamming drawers in frustration.

But something about the noise I heard is unsettling and a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach forces me to leave my office and go check to make sure everything is all right.

I have such a complicated relationship with Casey Novak. I have never met a person who could infuriate me one moment to the point where I feel I'm going to pop a blood vessel, and then charm me the next.

But that's Casey.

She still makes careless mistakes that I have to clean up and doesn't know when to use her filter. I've had several migraines brought on by her.

But she's also the only person who can make me laugh - a real genuine laugh. She always seems to know when I need it most. It will be a comment, or a look, or a text message and it's always what I need when i need it.

When she brushes up against me in the elevator, I always feel a spark. I wonder if she feels it too. If so, she gives no indication that she does.

I'm not supposed to like women. I'm supposed to be straight as an arrow, and someday meet me a nice judge or Senator and be their arm candy. That's what is expected of me.

So I admit it's complicated.

When I get to her office it's completely dark. I frown. I swear I just heard her in here moments ago. Voices talking and then the noises I heard. She must have left in a hurry.

The door is open so I step into her office and turn the light on. And my stomach lurches at what I see.

Her office is a mess; broken glass and files strewn about. The chair it's what I see a few feet away that makes my heart stop.

Casey is laying on her back on the floor, her head turned to one side. "Casey!" I scream in horror. I literally run to her and drop to my knees.

She has blood coming out of her nose. I shake her and call her name several times, but she does not respond. She's breathing but unconscious.

I've started to cry, and I don't even know when it happened. My breath is hitching in my throat; I have to call for help. She needs to be taken to the hospital immeaditely.

I start screaming for help. The custodial staff is often here at this hour and I hope against hope that they can hear me.

After a few seconds of screaming, I spot her office phone on the floor. I reach for it with shaking hands when I hear a gasp behind me.

"What the hell happened?!"

I turn to see Olivia enter the office, carrying a brown paper drink carrier with two coffees. She quickly sets it down and rushes over.

"Call for help!" I yell at her. "Please call for help."

I watch her scramble for her cell phone and am vaguely aware of her calling 911. She says something to me, asks me a question, but I just shake my head.

"Casey," I whisper, taking Casey's hand and holding on tight. "You have to be okay. You have to pull through this for me. Please."

My face is a red swollen mess of tears. I can't remember the last time I was this frightened.

They are taking too long to get here. Olivia has hung up now and I angrily throw over my shoulder, "Where the fuck are they?"

No sooner do the words leave my mouth when I hear sirens.

The next few minutes are a blur. The EMTs rush in and load Casey on a stretcher. Olivia tries to get me stand out of the way, but I won't let go of her hand. If she wakes up she is going to wake up to me being at her side and not alone.

I'm told I can't ride in the ambulance with her, that I have to stay and give my statement. But I mince no words in letting everyone know my intentions and I climb in the back of the ambulance and say a prayer as the doors close.

I'm still holding Casey's hand and I wipe my eyes with the sleeve of my other hand.

I am so scared that Casey is going to die before I can ever tell her how I feel about her. Before I can ever explore my feelings and see if she feels the same.

Please God, don't let her die...

The ambulance has started to move, sirens blaring. I'm sitting next to the stretcher, clutching Casey's hand and trying to ease my worried mind. I keep telling myself she will be okay.

What the hell happened? Who did this to Casey? How could they get away with it?

The have a neck brace and oxygen mask on Casey, not knowing the extent of her injuries. Her eyes are closed and swollen, and it breaks my heart. I lean my face down near hers and kiss her cheek.

"Are you her girlfriend?" the EMT asks, adjusting the oxygen mask.

My eyes shoot towards him. Casey's girlfriend? "No. I'm just her friend."

He nods and doesn't say another word.

I realize at that moment that I _want_ to be addressed as that. I _want_ to be Casey Novak's girlfriend. Nothing would make me happier.

I make a silent promise to Casey. If she can fight and hang on, I'll tell her how I feel about her.

I have to keep this promise. I have to.

 **can she keep it? will she keep it?**


	4. Chapter 3

**CASEY'S POV**

I wake slowly. I'm extremely confused, not recognizing my surroundings.

I hurt - a lot. My head aches and it hurts when I breathe. What happened to me? And where am I?

I hear a steady beep beep beep from right beside me. It takes a few minutes for my vision to focus clearly.

There's someone sitting in the chair next to the bed I'm in. I'm slowly realizing I'm in hospital. I'm in a gown and the beeping is what I assume is a heart monitor I'm hooked up to.

It's Alex Cabot sitting in the bed next to me. She's flipping through a magazine but when I move my hand she puts it down and looks at me. She smiles, her blue eyes full of worry.

What a beautiful sight to wake up to.

Why is she here? And what happened? I can't remember anything.

"Casey! You're finally awake. How are you?"

"What - " I try to sit up more but it's extremely painful. I wince and Alex puts her hand on my arm. Jesus, was I shot? I quickly pull up the gown and realize I'm wrapped tightly around my ribs. My eyes go to Alex . "What happened to me?" My voice is even more hoarse than usual.

"You have a bad concussion and a few broken ribs. The doctor said you might not remember what happened. You've been out for almost two days." Alex smiles at me again. "I'm glad you're awake."

"What happened?" I repeat, becoming frightened. My face hurts too and I reach up and touch my cheek. It feels swollen. And so does my lip.

"You were attacked in your office," Alex says softly. "Do you remember? You were working a case with Olivia. She went to get coffee. She said she was gone about fifteen minutes. It happened when she was gone. I was working late too. I...I found you." She swallows harshly. "You were unconscious."

It seems hard for her to recollect. I have no memory of it whatsoever. I don't even remember staying late. The last thing I remember is running into Alex in the bathroom when I was trying to get a stain out of my shirt.

I'm glad she's here. I'm glad it's her and no one else. She has such a comforting presence. I feel like anything is possible around her.

She's staring at me intently. She shifts uncomfortably in her chair and clears her throat. "I'll let the doctor know you're awake. But first there's something I want to tell you."

I have so many questions to ask but Alex seems like something is bothering her so I just nod.

She takes a deep breath. "Casey, I - "

"Look who's awake."

I turn my head and see Olivia standing in the doorway. She's smiling at me and steps into the room, turning her attention to Alex. "Arthur Branch is here. He is looking for you."

Alex sighs. "Of course he is." She reaches out touches my hand. It sends a spark through me, making me feel like a million dollars. I'm surprised I wasn't spontaneously healed by her touch. "We'll talk later. Okay?"

It's more of a promise than a question and I nod. She gets up from her chair and heads for the door. I'm vaguely aware of her turning to look at me one more time before leaving.

My heart hurts. I wish she would come back. I felt so much better when she was here. Now all I'm focused on is pain and confusion.

"I wanted to check up on you." Olivia sits down in the chair that Alex vacated.

"I don't remember what happened. Alex said I was attacked. Who did it?" I ask.

"We don't know but we will find out. I promise you." Olivia laughs lightly. "Alex is on our asses about it. She was the one who found you. She rode with you in the ambulance on the way here. She's been here almost the whole time."

Really? Alex did that? Why? I wouldn't call us friends. I've always just admired her from afar. Our interactions have been limited to passing each other in the hallways and small talk. I've worked some cases with her but our conversations were strictly work related.

I wish I knew more about her. I wish we were closer. The only thing I could tell you about Alex Cabot is that she is breathtakingly beautiful and when she is stressed she keeps adjusting her glasses. When she speaks to you it makes you feel privileged, like you're the most important person in the world.

Olivia alerts the doctor that I'm awake and he comes in to talk to me. Basically the same thing Alex already told me; a concussion and broken ribs. Take it easy next couple of days, will be prescribed pain meds, etc. I have to stay one more night in the hospital.

I only have listen to what Olivia is saying to me after the doctor leaves. I hope that Alex keeps her promise; I hope she comes to see me again.

Alex Cabot is good medicine


	5. Chapter 4

**ALEX'S POV**

I pace outside the door to Casey's room. I've been out here in the hallway trying to work up the courage to go into her room for almost a half hour. I'm carrying a ridiculously large teddy bear from the gift shop.

I don't know why this is so hard. I stand up in front of murderers, in front of rapists and psychopaths. Not much scares or intimidates me.

But Casey Novak scares me. Well, actually, my _feelings_ for Casey Novak scares me.

I haven't stopped thinking about her since she was attacked. Realizing I came so close to losing her before I even had her.

I decided I couldn't let another day go by without telling her how I feel.

I psych myself up and walk into her room. She's sitting up in bed staring at the TV. My heart sinks; her poor beautiful face is bruised and swollen.

She turns and looks at me with a smile. "You came back."

I smile back and put the bear on the bed next to her. She immediately grabs it and hugs it close to her.

I never thought I would be jealous of a stuffed teddy bear.

"How are you feeling? In any pain?" I ask her.

"A little," she replies. "I'm still really confused and still don't remember being attacked."

"Maybe that's for the best," I suggest. "You'll remember when you're ready to remember. And trust me, we will find out who did this and I'll make them pay. You have my word."

Casey reaches out and touches my hand and I feel that familiar spark. "Aren't you my knight in shining armor."

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I need to do this like a band aid; all in one motion.

"I want to be more than that, Casey."

She turns and looks at me again. I see something in her eyes that I can't quite put my finger on.

"I understand if you don't feel the same. But I can't hold back anymore. I have feelings for you; I have for a long time. I think you're beautiful and funny, and when I'm around you things are so much brighter. I can picture myself with you. I've never been with a woman before, but..." I stutter, looking for the right words to say. "What I'm trying to say is I think you're amazing and would love to go on a date with you."

She looks at me as if I have two heads, blinking her eyes several times. I don't know how to gauge her response. It's total shock mixed with something else. Horror? Disgust?

I'm such an idiot. This was a horrible time to say this. Casey is recovering from an attack in her office and I drop this bomb on her. She doesn't need to deal with this right now.

"Casey, please say something."

"Alex...I don't know what to say," she says, looking away from me. "I didn't know you felt that way."

"Well I do. My timing is shit, I get that. But I couldn't let another day pass without you knowing." I pick up her hand and my heart tightens again at her bruised face.

"It's kind of overwhelming," Casey admits. I notice she is choking back tears and I instantly feel bad for making her upset.

This was such a bad idea. I sigh. "I'm sorry." I drop her hand, suddenly embarrassed and wanting to retreat before my humiliation spreads any further.

I get up to leave but Casey takes my hand and stops me. Her green eyes bore into mine and she says, "I've been harboring feelings for you too. I never acted on them because I thought it was impossible that I would be good enough for you. What you said overwhelmed me because I still can't believe it could be true."

I let a tear roll down my cheek and I sit back down. How is it possible we have both been feeling this way and were both too afraid to do anything about It? It took a tragedy for us to come to terms with how we both feel.

"Believe it." I feel immense relief that she's not upset. "I like you, Casey. And I want to take you on a nice date."

Casey smiles at the prospect of that. I wonder when the last time someone took her out was. And if they made her feel the way she deserve a to feel.

"I would love to." Casey reaches up and touches her face and then frowns. "After I'm healed and look a little better."

That breaks my heart. Casey is beautiful; what happened to her doesn't change that. "After you _feel_ better," I correct. I reach out and touch her swollen cheek softly. "You look beautiful to me. I would take you out right now if you were up for it. And I would be proud to be seen with you."

I mean every word I say, and Casey starts to cry. "Awww, Casey, don't cry. Please."

She shakes her head and squeezes my hand. "It's just, no one has ever said something so sweet to me before." Her eyes are shining with tears. "Thank you."

I smile at her. "Well you deserve to hear it everyday, because you're beautiful. When are you out of here?"

"Tomorrow."

"Why don't I come get you and take you home and if there's anything you need we can take care of it? Will give us a chance to talk."

Casey smiles and then winces. It obviously causes her pain. "I would like that."

I leave the hospital with the biggest smile on my face. I don't smile often; it takes a lot. But this rises to the level of smile worthy.

Casey likes me too. How is it that I never saw it?

I make a quick stop at the office to grab Casey's current case files. She will be off work at least a few days so I need to make sure they are taken care of.

My mind is elsewhere as I walk down the familiar hall towards Casey's office. It's not until I get there that I stop in my tracks.

Crime scene tape blocking off her door reminds me of what took place here. I look away, not wanting to even see it.

Casey could have been killed. She came so close. I'm thankful I was able to find her in time. That image of her laying unconscious on her floor is burned into my memory and will stay there for a long time.

I'll just have to replace it with a new memory.

 **how do you think it will go? Will Alex be able to let go of expections others have for her and truly enjoy being with Casey?**


	6. Chapter 5

**CASEY'S POV**

I am more than ready to be out of this hospital.

I am extremely sore - everything seems to hurt. I think I swore a dozen times while changing back into my clothes.

I got a look at myself today. I look horrible; my face is bruised and I had a couple stitches on my lip. I'm bruised over my ribs and my leg hurts to walk. Doctor suggested I walk with a cane while I'm recovering.

And my head still hurts - bad. Like the worst headache that never stops. I was told it's normal following my type of concussion. I hope it goes away soon.

I know as soon as Alex gets here I'll feel better.

Yesterday seems like a dream. I didn't sleep at all last night; not because I was in pain, but because my mind wouldn't stop replaying Alex's words in my head. To know that Alex Cabot has feelings for me - wants to be in a relationship with me - It's a lot to process.

I've never had good luck in relationships. Never found the right person. Is it too premature to think that maybe now I have?

I want to go right back to work. Arthur Branch, however, is making me take a week off. It's paid but I still argued. What the heck am I going to do for a week at home? I'll be in the same condition no matter where I am. Might as well be doing something.

They are still looking for who attacked me. He was heavily disguised according to security camera footage and I was the only witness. I still can't remember a single detail about it. Everything after seeing Alex in the bathroom is a total blank.

I'm back into my clothes and have my discharge papers. As soon as Alex gets here, I'm free to go.

I sit down and wait for her. I have to admit that I'm nervous. What if she's changed her mind, or only said the things she did because she felt sorry for me? What if I say or do the wrong thing and ruin this thing before it even begins? I'm famous for that.

I don't have to wait long for my chauffeur to arrive. Alex walks into my room, all smiles. She's wearing jeans that flatter her figure and a white sweater turtleneck. Her hair is beautiful and perfect as always. I suck in a breath; I've never seen Alex in jeans before. It's quite a sight.

"Hey beautiful," she says. I stand with a wince and she hugs me, being mindful of my broken ribs. Her embrace feels good. It's genuine and warm and I could stay there all day.

"I'm all ready," I announce. "We just have to stop by the pharmacy if that's okay. I need to fill my pain meds and look for a better cane." I present her with the rickety squeaky metal one I had been given.

"Of course. You doing all right? Can you get around okay? I can help you if need be. You hurting?"

I have to smile; it sounds like Alex is as nervous as I am.

"I do hurt but I'll be fine. I definitely need the cane but otherwise I'm okay. It hurts to get up and down. To lay down. To walk." I chuckle. "To do anything, really."

Alex frowns. "I'm so sorry. I can't wait to find the person responsible."

I smile at that. The wrath of Alex Cabot will come down on him hard. She's scary when she's in court. Her passion and dedication combines to make the perfect monster. Not to mention her authoritative voice and no nonsense looks. She is a force to be reckoned with, that's for sure.

Alex grabs my bag for me and we start out. I try to hide the pain that walking is causing me, but I can't hide the winces. Even with the cane it's difficult and my leg feels like it's completely cramped up.

We finally make it to the elevator - very slowly. I grab onto the railing and lean against it. I consider myself a fit and athletic person, and I'm out of breath just from walking a hundred feet down the hall.

"You okay?" Alex asks, her blue eyes filled with concern.

"Yeah," I breathe out. "Just kind of wiped me out. I promise I'm not usually this easily winded." Alex nods and I quickly change the subject. "Branch is making me take a week off work."

"Good," Alex answers quickly. "You should take more than that, actually. You need to rest up. You have some serious injuries."

I don't respond and Alex takes that to indicate I don't like her suggestion. "Look, I know what it's like. I'm like you; I despise taking time off too. But you have to take care of yourself. I'll make sure all your cases are covered. Don't worry about work. Just concentrate on getting better." She smiles. "And when you feel up to it, I'd love to take you out."

I would love that. More than love it, actually. I have to get better now; because I have that to look forward to.

Alex's car is nice. It's a newer silver Lexus, loaded with every option available. GPS unit, back up camera...you name it. It even smells new. It's immaculately clean.

I hope she never sees my car. I'm not a slob but my car is like a dumpsite. Receipts are everywhere; they just tend to end up on my floor. Dried up fast food fries, wesco drink cups. Definitely a stark contrast to Alex's ride. I wonder if she's ever even gone to a fast food restaurant.

Alex notices my hesitation to get in and appears apologetic. "I don't drive much," she confesses. "I usually just hop in a cab because driving in Manhattan is such a nightmare."

I get into the car with a slight groan. Yep, sitting down hurts too.

"Road rage? I can picture you getting that." I laugh.

Alex laughs as well. "I have been known to let a few curses fly on the rare occasions I do drive. This is one of those occasions; feel lucky. I just thought me driving you would be more comfortable than a cab."

Even though I'm in pain, her seats are comfortable. I nod. "Wait a minute...you're not like a danger, are you? Are you a horrible driver?" I joke.

She grins and hits the door locks, sealing my fate. I'm not going anywhere now. I put my seatbelt on and she starts the car. "Guess you're about to find out."

Luckily, she isn't a bad driver. An impatient one, but not bad. We make it to Walgreens in one peice.

I go to open my door but Alex stops me. "I'll run in for you. Give me the prescription and your insurance card and I'll be right back."

"I'll come in too. I want to get a new cane. This one is sketchy."

Alex nods and gets out of the car. Before I can say anything she comes around to my side and opens my door for me. She offers me her hand and a warm smile.

I gratefully accept her help and she helps me stand. It hurts, but I manage not to cry out. I really need those pain meds.

I walk slow but Alex walks right with me into the store. As I wait in line to drop off my prescription she wanders off. A few minutes later she returns with the ugliest cane I have ever seen. It's black with bling all over the sides. She's grinning. "This is you, Casey."

I know it's a joke but I take it from her and pretend to love it. "This is awesome! I love it!"

Her face wrinkles up in confusion and I laugh at how confused she looks. Her puzzled expression is super adorable.

"I'm kidding, Alex. Relax. My tastes are better than that."

I'm told I'll have a half hour wait for the prescription to be ready so we sit down in the waiting chairs to wait.

"You don't have to wait with me," I tell Alex. "You can go to the car or come back and get me if you want."

"I'm fine; I don't mind waiting. Besides, I very much enjoy the company I'm with." Alex beams at me.

I do too, but I'm still nervous and not quite sure what to say or do around her. Neither of us really say anything during the wait. I sense that she's nervous too. I didn't know Alex was capable of ever being nervous.

When it's my turn I stand painfully and slowly make my way to the counter. I wait as the pharmacy tech gets my prescription then I steal a glance at Alex, who is still sitting. She's not looking; her attention is on her phone. I grin, an idea forming in my head. When the tech returns with my prescription I put the ugly cane on the counter and ask her to ring it up.

After I pay I walk back towards Alex and she gets up, smiling at me again. I have never seen her smile so much. "You ready?" She eyes the cane. "I'll show you where I found that so you can actually pick out a decent one."

I shake my head. "No need - I bought this beauty. Now you get to be seen with me using it."

Alex laughs. A real, genuine laugh, and it's one of the best sounds I've ever heard. She puts her hand on the small of my back as we leave Walgreens. It's such a small gesture, but makes me feel amazing. Her hand resting there gives me strength.

She opens the car door for me and guides me into the passenger seat. I'm not helpless but part of me is enjoying this.

Who would have thought that tough as nails Alex Cabot had a soft side? I bet so few get to see it. I'm so glad I do.

I tell her where I live and ten minutes later we are outside my apartment building. I've been to Alex's place once, when we worked a case together - mine is a stark contrast to what she is used to. I have no doorman and my apartment is considerably smaller.

But she says nothing about it as we enter and I lead her to my door. I search to memory to try and recall if there's anything inside I should be embarrassed about. I don't remember how messy I left it. Taking a deep breath, I open the door.

We enter and I look around desperately. Other than a jacket draped over the couch and work papers strewn about the coffee table, it looks fine.

Alex smiles at me. "Cute place."

"Thanks." I try to gather the papers into a neat little stack and Alex stands behind the couch awkwardly. "Sorry about this...my workspace."

Alex chuckles. "Hey, mine is the same way. Except there's usually a bottle of wine around mine too."

I pick up a can of beer and show it to her and she chuckles again. "Miller Lite girl. I'll have to remember that."

Alex wanders off, looking at some plaques and pictures on my mantel. Then I head a gasp and, "What is that?!"

I turn around quickly and smile when I realize she has stopped in front of my reptile aquarium. She's staring at my bearded dragon basking on his branch.

"This is Monty," I tell her. "He's a bearded dragon." I open the top of the tank and pick him up. Alex takes a step back. "He's harmless. He's a big lazy guy. I've had him for fifteen years." I hold him out to her. "Want to pet him?"

Alex backs up so far her back hits my wall. I almost start laughing. She shakes her head. "No - I'm good."

I place him on my shoulder. "He likes to be carried around. I take him out sometimes except when it's cold."

"What - What does he eat?" Alex asks.

"Blondes mostly," I say, petting his back. "Especially ones with glasses. Those are his favorites."

Alex glares at me, not at all amused. I have to laugh at her. I return Monty to his branch. "He eats veggies, crickets and worms."

Alex looks around in horror. "Worms and crickets - You keep those things in your house?"

I put my hand on Alex's arm. "Don't worry. They're contained. I promise they won't get you."

I show her the rest of my apartment, fairly certain nothing else will frighten her. She follows me like an obedient puppy. Probably scared she'll be consumed by a cricket or worm if she's not with me.

I've done too much walking around. My ribs burn, screaming for pain meds. I sit down at the kitchen table, out of breath. My head is pounding.

Alex quickly grabs the bottle of pain meds and puts it on the table in front of me. She gets me a glass of water and sits down across from me, her blue eyes full of compassion and care. She's so damn beautiful. I just can't believe it.

Yes, I'm falling hard for Alex Cabot.

 **I can so picture Casey owning a lizard! Review and let me know what you think si far**


	7. Chapter 6

**ALEX'S POV**

"Earth to Alex. Hello." Olivia waves her hand in my face.

I snap out of my daze and look across the table at her. I squint in the sunlight and slightly move my chair so it's not directly in my eyes.

We are having lunch at a little outdoor cafe near the DA's office and I've been distracted by thoughts of Casey. She's all I have been thinking about since I picked her up from the hospital two days ago. I can't wait to see her again.

"I'm sorry," I apologize. "I was somewhere else."

Olivia sits back and frowns at me. "Are you Okay? You've been...off lately."

"I have a lot on my mind," I answer. I pick up my club sandwich and take a bite.

Across the table Olivia smiles at me. "Lots of things, like Casey Novak?"

I nearly choke on my sandwich. How in the world does she know? Am I that obvious?

I just look at her in shock and that gives her the answer. "How did you know?"

"She told me you asked her out. She was so excited and happy. Said you made her feel beautiful and she couldn't wait to go on a date with you."

I feel my cheeks go hot with blush and I turn away from Olivia. I realize I'm embarrassed and know I shouldn't be.

I wish Casey hadn't told Olivia. I don't want to keep our dating a secret, but I don't want to spread it around either. I want to make sure it's going to work out before we start telling the people we care about.

I'm not embarrassed about Casey. I'm just a private person and don't like people knowing my business.

"Oh," I finally say, keeping my head down.

"That's all you have to say?" Olivia asks. I make myself look at her. "Casey was so happy. You have to have more to say than that."

I've known Olivia a long time. Since the start of my career at the DA's office. I consider her a friend, and I trust her. She does not know every detail of my personal life and never will, but I care about what she thinks of me and I do share things with her that I don't with others.

I finally look at her and sigh. "I'm happy too. I've liked Casey for a long time. I've never told anyone; guess I've been doing a good job hiding it. Apparently Casey felt the same way. I took her home from the hospital. We hung out and I watched a movie with her. Just the couple hours I spent with her was enough to know my feelings were real. I think she's beautiful and intelligent and I can't wait to develop something deeper with her."

That was a mouthful. I'm embarassed again but when I look back at Olivia again she's smiling.

"I think it's great, Alex. I like Casey. She's stubborn as hell sometimes and we don't always get along the best, but I like her. I think it's great you're both happy."

I nod. "It is. I want to say I'm above the opinions of others...but I'm not. And I'm worried what others may think. The squad, Liz, my father. I wish it wasn't a concern for me, but it's looming right over my head. Being bi or gay isn't excatly the norm in this job."

Olivia shrugs. "So what? You deserve to be happy, no matter who it is with. You can't hold back because you're worried about what people will say or think. Let me tell you, everyone in the squad is going to be ecstatic for you. Munch will tease you." I smile at that. "And Liz? You told me once she's like a second mother to you. She isn't going to care that you have a girlfriend. Anyone who means anything to you won't care. And those who will care aren't worth it anyway."

I know she's right. I have to get past this. If I truly want to give myself fo Casey, I need to be able to be open with the relationship and talk about her with the people I care about.

"I just haven't felt this way in a long time. And never, ever about a woman." I eat one of my fries and take a drink of my soda. "Relationships I have had in the past haven't lasted. Most were purely physical, I'm sad to say. I don't think I've ever really been in love. And while it's too early to use that word right now, I feel like I will love Casey. I never would have told her how I felt if she hadn't been attacked. It was so scary finding her. Made me realize life is short."

"We will find the guy. And I'm glad there was a silver lining to all this."

We eat in silence the next few minutes. And then I ask, "Did you know she has a pet lizard?" Olivia shakes her head. "The thing eats crickets and worms."

"Yeah, I think that's what lizards eat."

"Well she keeps them in her apartment. The first night I spend there I'm sure I'll hear crickets chirping." I can't help but smile. It's quirky and endearing.

"See? You're already planning to spend the night. Things will be fine. Just stop being uptight, Alex."

Uptight? I guess that does describe me. I frown. I have to do something about that.

"I'm going to see her again tomorrow. I want to bring her something...like flowers," I tell her.

Olivia shakes her head and after swallowing says, "I would hold off on the flowers. At least for awhile."

"Why?"

Olivia just glares at me. I'm about to ask why again when it dawns on me. Her attacker was let up to her office pretending to have flowers for her. Of course. How oblivious can I be?

"Right. That was sure stupid. I'm glad we had this conversation before I went and did it."

"Knowing Casey, she would have loved them and not said anything. It just may be in poor taste is all."

I'm really glad I had time for lunch with Olivia today. This conversation has made me feel better. She approves of me and Casey. Why do I keep thinking that no one else will?

.2

I bring Casey a box of chocolates when I see her again. My logic on that is that everyone loves chocolate.

When she opens the door I present them to her with a dopey smile like an excited kid at Christmas.

Casey smiles. Her poor face is still so bruised and swollen. The bruises are a deep purple now. She reaches out and takes the chocolates. "Didn't you know I'm lactose intolerant?"

My heart falls. Of course. "Oh...no, I didn't. I'm sorry." I actually feel really sad, like I should have known that.

Casey is grinning ear to ear. "You're so gullible." She holds the door open for me with her cane. "I'm not, and I love chocolate. Thank you."

I like her humor. I like the way she can always make a joke but appear serious. I like the way she smiles after making a joke. I just like her, period.

I go inside and she follows me. She's getting around a lot better but I can tell she's still sore. She still walks with some difficulty.

"What do you want to do?" I ask her. I'm up for anything, as long as it's with her.

"I'd like to go on that date."

I'm surprised to hear her say that. I would love nothing more than to take her out tonight; I'd love it so much. But I wasn't anticipating and didn't prepare. I would have made arrangements. I definitely would have dressed a lot better for her.

I must have a shocked look on my face because Casey's smile disappears. "Judging by that look you don't want to."

"No!" I'm quick to correct her. "Of course I do! I just wanted our first date to be special. I wanted to plan it and definitely wanted to look better than a sweater and jeans."

"You look better than me," Casey says. "And being spontaneous is great too. Haven't you ever done something just spur of the moment?"

Not something like a date with someone like Casey. I wanted to impress her. I wanted it to be so special and to buy a dress just for the occasion.

But what choice do I have? If I say no, Casey will think it's because of how she looks. And I did want to spend the evening with her. So what could it hurt? It's definitely not traditional but I'm willing to go for it.

"Okay, sure," I relent. "Where did you want to go?"

It's clear that Casey has something in mind. She won't reveal what it is but announces we are taking her car. I decide to go with it. Knowing Casey, I'm sure it will be unusual and fun.

She hands me a fleece jacket from her closet. I look at her questioningly and she shrugs. "It may get chilly. Just in case."

A few minutes later we are walking out to her car. She's given me no clues as to where we are going. We approach her cute little Saturn and I make sure she's good to drive.

She glares at me over the top of the car. "I'm capable of driving, Alex."

I quickly go around to her side and open the door for her. She smiles at me and when I get in the car I see she's still smiling.

She drives us to a park not too far from her apartment. I used to jog through this park, way back when I first started with SVU. It helped me blow of steam.

I don't get to jog much anymore.

We are the only car in the parking lot. It momentarily scares me. Manhattan is not a friendly place, especially for two women by themselves. But I shake the feeling away and decide to just enjoy myself.

This time Casey opens my door for me and offers me a hand. I take it and she pulls me up so I'm standing next to her. Our eyes meet and the urge to kiss her hits me.

Casey leaves me standing alone and goes around to her trunk. She opens it and then calls me over to help her. She pulls out a folded up blanket, a folded down brown paper bag, and a cooler. She hands me the cooler and I look at her quizzically.

Casey then leads me up a path in the park. We walk for about ten minutes before getting to a small grassy area. Without a word she spreads the blanket out.

I'm getting an idea of what she has planned now and it makes me smile. How romantic and sweet.

I sit down on the blanket and Casey gets down beside me with some difficulty. I notice her wince slightly and can only guess that a sitting position on the ground isn't the most comfortable for her broken ribs.

It is a little chilly but the sky is clear and the stars are visible. It's quiet here, the perfect place to enjoy each other's company and talk.

Casey opens the brown paper bag and pulls out a bottle of Merlot. I smile as I watch her fill two plastic cups and hand me one. "Sorry, plastic just travels better."

I have to admit I've never drank Merlot from a plastic cup. But the girl who handed me the cup is beautiful and sweet so I already love it. I smile at her. "It's perfect."

I wonder what's in the cooler and my curiosity is satisfied when Casey digs into it. She looks at me apologetically. "It's kind of lame, but I have pasta salad and BLT sandwiches. I hope you like?"

I almost start to laugh. She's acting so nervous, worried that I'm not going like what she's brought for me. I'd like anything she gave me. And if I didn't, I would sure make her think I did.

"I just wanted something easy to manage. It's so pretty here and I thought we could get to know each other. Maybe cuddle if we get cold. Not the ideal first date I know, but I thought maybe you'd enjoy it."

My smile widens. I sure like the idea of cuddling. And this so sweet and thoughtful. Casey is unique, that's for sure.

We eat the pasta salad right out of the container with plastic forks. Casey talks nervously about her lizard and her softball team, and I listen, offering her smiles. She's rambling with nervousness and I know I have to do something to calm her down and make her relax.

We eat our sandwiches and Casey does most of the talking. I'm content to listen right now. I like listening to her voice, even if she is rambling nervously.

"It is really pretty out here," I comment. I lay down on my back and look up at the sky.

Casey copies me and I hear her groan slightly. "Ugh, my ribs...I will definitely be glad when those heal up."

She has her hand resting over her sore ribs and I place my hand over top of hers. I wish I had a superpower and could heal her instantly. Neither of us speaks; the gesture is enough.

Finally, I start to talk, not moving my hand from Casey's. I look back up at the sky. "So why a lizard for a pet?"

"I've always been interested in reptiles. We had a tortoise and a gecko growing up. I've had Monty for fifteen years. He's been with me through a lot. Lizards are hardy and have a long life. I get attached easily and don't want to go through the heartbreak of losing a dog or a small animal. And I've never been a cat person." She shrugs. "They are interesting animals. Once you get to know him you will like him. He has to grow on you...like me. I take some getting used to too." She laughs.

I smile, even though I'm still looking up at the sky. I squeeze her hand under mine. "I think you're pretty great. What's your favorite snack?"

"Cookie dough."

I scrunch my face up. "Like the actual dough?" I turn my head to look at Casey and she nods. "That will make you sick. It has uncooked eggs in it."

"Hasn't hurt me yet," she says. "Haven't you ever eaten cookie dough? You haven't lived until you buy a tube and eat it raw. I'll have to train you."

I lay my head back down. "I guess so."

We talk about all kinds of things. Casey tells me about her childhood and how they moved a lot with her father being in the military. She had such a different childhood than me. I tell her things that are hard to talk about; about my time in witness protection and how hard it was to come back. I admit things to her I wouldn't to anyone else.

"I used to cry every night. Every single night. It was the worst time of my life." I'm almost crying just talking about it.

Casey slides closer to me and moves our hands so they are intertwined together. She leans up on her elbow and looks at me. "You're amazing and strong, Alex. And I'm glad you're home."

Her smile is so warm and genuine. It literally makes my heart flutter.

"I'm glad to be here with you," I tell her.

She smiles. "Me too. And no one else had to see my face."

My heart drops. I wish she would stop saying that. She can't help what happened to her, and she's beautiful regardless. I'm going to make her see that.

I reach up and touch her bruised cheek. "You are absolutely beautiful. There's not a thing I would change about you. Not a thing. I don't see any bruises when I look at you. I just see Casey. Genuine, sweet Casey, who is beautiful inside and out."

She looks like she is going to start crying. But instead she leans in and kisses me.

I relax into her kiss and gently hold both of her cheeks. Her one hand wanders to the back of my head and she holds me too as she kisses me.

I haven't been kissed like this in a long time. Her lips are so soft, and I feel like our mouths fit together perfectly like they were made to.

Casey isn't nervous any more. This isn't a kiss of someone who has any nerves at all. This is a confident kiss, and I deepen it, exploring inside Casey's mouth with my tongue. She lets out a low moan and squeezes my hair in her hand.

When we finally break apart, we rest our foreheads together. I'm the first to break the silence. "That was...wonderful."

Casey smiles at me and leans against my chest. I wrap my arms around her, knowing she feels excatly what I feel too.


	8. Chapter 7

**ALEX'S POV**

It's been a long week. My schedule has been full at work and I've only been able to see Casey twice since our date. She's due to come back to work on Monday and has been itching to get back into her office to prep. But I won't let her. I made it clear that medical leave means medical leave and that she would do just fine coming back on Monday.

My feelings for her have only gotten stronger. I can still feel her kiss lingering on my lips, feel the way my heart nearly burst afterwards.

I can't wait to go out with her again. I'm going to take her to dinner at a nice restaurant and maybe a movie afterwards.

It's finally Friday evening and I decide to surprise Casey with a visit. I've been wanting to see her badly.

When I get to her apartment I have to knock several times before she opens the door. It's clear she has been sleeping; her hair is disheleved and she looks at me groggily. A smile forms across her face and I notice the swollen is significantly down. Bruises still linger and manage turned a purplish yellow color.

"Hey. Sorry to wake you. I thought I would drop by and see you. How you doing?"

"I'm really, really tired. Like completely drained of energy the past couple of days. And my head still hurts real bad." She leads me over to the couch and we sit down. "I go back for my follow up on Wednesday. I've been getting nosebleeds too." She takes a breather and then laughs. "That's it in a nutshell."

I feel badly that she's still not back to her old self. "You had a bad concussion, Casey. I think that's probably normal." Nevertheless I'm glad she's going for a check up.

An awkward silence befalls us. I have so much I want to say to Casey but don't where to start. Our relationship is so new that I don't want to say or do the wrong thing.

So I decide to let Casey take the wheel right now. I want to make sure she is comfortable and we don't do anything she doesn't want to do.

"I have some lasagna I can bake for us," Casey offers. "Have you eaten?"

I shake my head. "No, that sounds great."

Casey goes into the kitchen and I hear her rummaging around and the unmistakable sound of the oven opening. When she returns she has a cab of Pepsi for me which I take gratefully.

"I came to ask you a very important question," I begin as Casey sits back down beside me. "Would you want to go on a date with me tomorrow night?"

A slight smile plays at Casey's lips and when she turns to look at me it's a full fledged smile. "I think I might like that. Just maybe though."

I smile back. "Maybe you'll go, or maybe you'll have fun?"

"I'll go for sure. It's a maybe on the fun. But I'm glad you came by. Do you want to hang with me tonight?"

Nothing would make me happier. Casey puts on a movie while we wait for the lasagna to be done. She fades quickly and I can tell she's falling asleep beside me. Within minutes she's asleep, her head resting against my shoulder.

I want to put my arm around her so I slowly snake it behind her and pull her closer to me. She wasn't kidding about being tired. She's completely out. I smile, feeling so privileged to be able to be close to her this way.

A short while later I hear the oven beep, indicating our dinner is ready. I gently shake Casey awake. She takes a minute to come to and appears embarassed for falling asleep on me.

We eat at the table and chat a bit about our upcoming date. After dinner, Casey doesn't last long. She's exhausted and falls back asleep on me almost immediately. A few hours later she excuses herself to bed. She tells me I'm welcome to stay but I know I should go and let her get her rest. I would love nothing more than to stay.

But I know we will have time for all that in the future.

Things don't go as planned. We have to cancel our date because Casey simply isn't feeling up to it. Instead I go to her apartment again and spend the day taking care of her.

Casey barely gets out of bed. When she does, she has zero energy and it's a chore for her to even move. Her head aches constantly and she moans in pain. Even her pain medication is not working.

I'm beginning to become concerned and I wonder if I should take her to the hospital. Head injuries are nothing to mess around with and they could have missed something.

Casey isn't keen on the idea of going to the emergency room. I tell her if she's not better by morning - or if she gets worse - then we are going.

A few hours later I help her out to the car and we're on our way. Casey had become extremely dizzy and neausated. She isn't too happy with me taking her, but I tell her she can thank me later. She doesn't seem the least bit worried but I sure am.

.3

The thing I hate most about emergency room visits is the waiting. We wait for over two hours just for Casey to be seen. We wait another hour for her to get an MRI on her head. Then we are told she needs bloodwork and we had to sit and wait for that. Now we are waiting to hear back on results.

"This is ridiculous," Casey says with a frown. "Bloodwork? Why? Just to test for stupid stuff I don't have."

"They are just trying to be thorough," I assure her, though I agree it is taking much too long.

Not long after our exchange, the on call doctor comes into the room and starts to ask Casey questions. About her family medical history and questions about symptoms she may or may not have.

I'm confused. She had a head injury. Why ask her these questions?

Casey appears confused too. "I was beaten...what do these questions have to do with that?"

"Your symptoms may be unrelated to your injuries. Your white cell count is off. We just want to run some more tests." He feels under her chin and on the sides of her neck and frowns.

I feel a lump in my throat. The way he is checking her in combination of what he is saying and asking is making me think something I don't want to. I'm suddenly terrified.

I don't vocalize my fear as I don't want to scare Casey unnecessarily. Besides, I've always been naturally cautious. My mind always runs overtime and I always tend to think the worst.

I'm sure Casey is fine. They are going to tell her to take it easy and send us on our way any time now.

But when the doctor comes back in with a tray of instruments just a short while later, I know I was right to worry.

Casey looks at the tray of instruments, her eyes wide. There's a syringe and then a needle - the longest and scariest looking needle I've ever seen in my life. Casey grows pale when she sees it. "What is that for?"

"We need to do a bone marrow aspiration. I'm going to give you a local to numb you. We have to take from your hip. I need you to lay on your side and relax. Don't tense up, as it will only make the aspiration more difficult."

Casey looks at me in horror. I swallow the lump in my throat and scoot closer to the bed and reach out for her hand. Her eyes are full of fear and questions and I know I have to relax her. "I'm here, Casey. It's okay. Just relax."

I sit holding her hand as he gives her the shot to numb her. She winces and squeezes my hand, and I have to look away when he sticks the big needle in.

It takes about ten minutes and I can tell Casey is uncomfortable but not necessarily in pain. She looks scared more than anything else. As scared as I am.

I know what they are testing her for. And the world cannot be cruel enough to deal us this card. It just can't be. We just got together. I finally feel like I can be happy.

This just can't happen.


	9. Chapter 8

**CASEY'S POV**

Leukemia. I have leukemia.

The oncologist is telling me it's treatable, that I have a good chance of beating it. He says nonsense words that I don't understand and my mind tunes him out. My mind focuses on one word - cancer.

Alex has been with me every day since we were at the hospital. She is just as scared as I am - maybe even more. She tells me everyday that no matter the outcome, she's here for me and is going to stick by my side.

But when the doctor's office called and wouldn't tell me over the phone what the results were, I knew. I wanted to call Alex, to cry to her and ask her to come with me to hold my hand. I know she would have in a second. But it's selfish to ask her to put her life on hold. So I said nothing and came in by myself.

How is this fair? I have never been happier in my life. I finally got Alex, and she likes me- maybe even loves me. And now this...

Alex doesn't deserve to have to deal with this. To know that the woman she just started dating may die sooner rather than later.

"What is the treatment?" I ask, interuppting Dr. Greene.

He looks at me at sympathetically. "Chemotherapy. Possible bone marrow transplant."

Exactly what I didn't want to hear. I nod in understanding, even though I don't understand.

He makes me an appointment for a week from now to get my pre-chemo check. Basically he says they will determine if I am healthy enough to start treatment, and insert what is a called a "port" under my skin. That's where the chemo is fed into my body. It all sounds scary and unreal, like I'm hearing about someone else and not me.

When I leave the doctor's office I stop a fast food taco place before heading back to work. I am not hungry in the least, but I know Alex will be and I want to get her something.

It's my second day back to work. I still have minor bruising and I'm still limping quite badly but I definitely look much bette. My ribs are slow to heal so I have to make sure all my movements are slow as not to cause sharp pain.

I decide I can't tell Alex about my diaganosis. I will lie to her and tell her my tests came back negative.

We will both be happier that way.

I just have to act like nothing is wrong. I can do that.

I'm in kind of a daze when I get back to the office. I'm still so tired and out of energy that it wipes me out just walking up the stairs to my floor. Probably doesn't help that I still have to walk with a cane. The elevators are out of service today, naturally.

I'm about to knock on Alex's door when she steps out and startled. She is looking down at her phone and doesn't see me at first, but as soon as she does she regards me with a smile.

I smile back and hand her the paper bag of tacos. "I got you lunch. Figured you didn't eat yet."

Alex checks out what I got her. "You figured right it. I have a meeting, but after if you're not busy, stop by and we will eat together?"

My heart swells. I would love to have lunch with Alex. And by the way her eyes are shining, she would love it too.

I go back to my office where I bury myself in prepping cases for the next couple of hours. I try not to think about the news I got this afternoon. If I work hard enough and focus my mind elsewhere, I won't have to think about it.

Somehow I fall asleep at my desk. I don't know when I drifted off, or how long I slept. I only know that the next thing I know, Alex is gently shaking me awake.

I am slow to react, raising my head and realizing my neck is stiff from my awkward sleeping position. I blink slowly, focusing on Alex's beautiful face in front of me and bringing me back to reality.

Alex looks worried. "Hey, you okay? You were sleeping. You still really tired?"

I sit up, groping for my cell phone on my desk. To my surprise, I find it's after five PM. I've been asleep for more than three hours.

"Oh my God, I didn't realize it was so late." I straighten myself up. I have an arraignment in the morning and am not prepared for it. I desperately start thumbing through the current case files on my desk.

Alex watches me closely. "Are you okay? Have you heard anything from the doctor yet?"

I nod, not looking at her. I know if I don't make eye contact it will be easier to lie to her. "They called this afternoon. My tests were negative. But I do have anemia. I have to start taking iron."

It's so easy to lie to her, but still makes me feel sick.

Alex's smile spreads across her whole face and she leans down to hug me. "I am so happy! I told you everything would be okay."

The hug makes me feel guilty. I wish I could tell her the truth. I know I am going to need someone and I would love that someone to be Alex.

After we break the embrace Alex sits down in the chair in front of my desk. "I'll help you finish up so we can go. I want to take you to dinner. What you working on?"

I don't feel like getting dinner but I don't say anything. Normally I would object to anyone helping me with my work but I hand some off to Alex without hesitation.

By the time we are finished I am so wiped out that I just want to go home and sleep. It's taking everything I have to just stay awake right now.

"Alex, can we get a raincheck on dinner? I am just not up for it. I'm sorry."

I can tell Alex is dissapointed. "Yeah of course."

"Would you want to come over and watch a movie?" I know I will fall asleep but I would really enjoy Alex's company.

Alex's smile is back. "Yes. That sounds great."

We make it back to my apartment within an hour. I'm feeling pretty sore and tired and can't wait to lie down. I head right for my hallway closet and retrieve my favorite fuzzy blanket and find a pair of boxers and a Nike t-shirt for Alex. I quickly get into my Pjs and bring Alex her sleep clothes.

"Hope it's not too forward to assume you might want to stay," I say as I hand over the sleep clothes. "But even if you don't, here's something more comfortable."

Alex goes into the bathroom and when she comes back out she's dressed in the clothes I gave her. She looks adorable. Casual really suits her. The tee is too big for me, but much too big for Alex. The boxers are revealing and I blush and look away.

Alex saunters over to me with a cocky smile. "Was that a blush I saw, Miss Novak?"

I shrug. "Well I mean, you are a sight to see. Even in my civilization clothes." I sit down and unfold the blanket, making a cozy spot for Alex. "Would you sit with me, milady?"

She doesn't hesitate. She sits next to me and I make us a little cocoon with the blanket. I don't keep the heat up high in my apartment so it's always a little chilly; perfect cuddling conditions.

We find a ridiculous horror movie to watch and I make snarky comments all the way through, causing Alex to laugh. Her laugh is light and husky and turns me on in a way I have never known.

"This movie is awful," Alex finally comments. She looks at me. "But the company is pretty nice."

I'm halfway laying down and I lie back all the way, pulling Alex down with me. I grab the back cushions from behind me and toss them off the couch so we have a little more room. Alex is pressed up against me, laying practically on top of me. I reach down and get a handful of her soft blonde hair and start to stroke it. It just feels right.

Alex sighs in contentment and snuggles down closer to me. "You know what, Casey. I think this is even better than dinner."

She's right; it is.

 **More will happen in the next chapter; I promise. what do you think? Will Alex find out what is going on sooner rather than later and will she be mad that Casey lied to her?**


	10. Chapter 9

**Warning: fairly graphic sex scene ahead. Skip if not your thing.**

 **ALEX'S POV**

I look at myself in the mirror for the hundredth time. I straighten the neckline of my red dress and flip my hair a few times. I make sure the scar on my shoulder from where I was shot isn't visible. I don't like people seeing it. I always select dresses with thicker straps for this very reason. It's a part of myself I don't like to share easily.

I want to look perfect tonight. I'm finally taking Casey out to dinner and then a movie. The deal was I pick the restaurant and she picks the movie.

I made us a reservation at a very nice Italian restaurant I have only been to a handful of times. The food is amazing and the atmosphere is really romantic. Perfect setting for this evening.

Casey has insisted on picking me up and being my chauffeur. I told my doorman to let her righr up, so when I hear a knock at my door I know immeaditely that it's her.

I open the door with a smile on my face. And the sight nearly takes my breath away.

Casey looks absolutely gorgeous. Her red hair is curled slightly and is cascading down her shoulders. Her sparkly blue dress hugs her in all the right places and makes her green eyes stand out. She's done her makeup well and covered her remaining bruises. She's smiling ear to ear and hands me a bouquet of flowers.

I take the flowers, my heart swelling. How sweet of her to think of me that way. "I love them, Casey. Thank you."

She nods in approval and sneers. "Looks like you see something else you like, Cabot."

My face burns in embarrassment and I look away briefly. "I'm sorry. You're just so beautiful."

"You look beautiful too," Casey comments. She steps into my apartment as I scramble to find a vase and put the beautiful flowers into it. When I return to her, Casey holds her arm out. "Ready milady?"

I hook my arm in hers and nod. She isn't walking with her cane anymore but still has a limp so we go slowly. She's so considerate and polite; she opens doors for me and even takes my hand and guides me into the passenger side of her car.

I smile. It's so nice to be treated like a lady. And Casey seems so happy and peppy. I can tell she is feeling better.

I tell Casey which restaurant we are going to and watch her visibly cringe slightly. "I may be out of place there," she says with a light laugh.

"Why would you be? You look beautiful. I'm proud to be seen there with you."

I'm nervous that I may have chosen a bad place for our date. I should have asked Casey what she liked before I made plans.

I always overanazyle everything. I'm sure this will be fine.

We arrive at the restaurant and Casey opens my door for me. She's so polite, telling me I look beautiful and holding the restaurant door open for me as we enter.

I can't believe Casey isn't taken. She's so sweet and considerate. How did I get so lucky?

Once we're seated we both pick up a menu. I cant help stealing a glance at Casey as she looks at her. The lighting in the restursunt is dim, causing a very romantic atmosphere. The light is very flattering to Casey. She looks absolutely adorable when she furrows her brow in concentration reading the menu and trying to decide what to get.

I can't stop looking at her. She mouths the words as she reads them and my smile only grows wider. I could stare at her all day.

Suddenly she looks and catches me staring at her. A grin breaks out on her face. "Alex Cabot staring at me creepily. That doesn't happen every day."

I'm briefly embarassed and look down at my menu. "I was not staring at you creepily."

"What would you call it, Blondie?"

I raise my eyes to her again. She's grinning at me, knowing perfectly well that I'm flustered and she is proud to be the cause of it. It's clear she is quite proud of herself.

"I was just looking," I say quickly, averting my eyes back to the menu.

I get quite embarassed when I'm called out about something like this.

"Wow," Casey says with a laugh. "The woman who came back from the dead to testify against the man who murdered her is rendered speechless by none other than Casey Novak, the joke of the DA's office."

That causes my head to snap back up. She's not a joke - Why would she think that?

"Why would you say that? You're not a joke, Casey. Don't talk about yourself that way."

I can feel her eyes on me. "I didn't want to turn this into a serious conversation, Alex. I was only poking fun at you. I'm sorry."

I feel myself relax. I really need to stop being so uptight; Olivia was right. I just need to let my hair down and enjoy this evening.

"I'm sorry. I was staring and you called me out. But it was only because I really liked what I was looking at."

This time Casey blushes and it's the cutest thing ever but I don't say it. She asks me what she should order and I show her my favorite item on the menu.

We are having a lovely evening with great talk and great food, and suddenly when I look up from my food, Casey's nose is bleeding.

"Casey - your nose is bleeding..." I say softly.

She immeaditely grabs a cloth napkin and excuses herself from the table. I stand to follow her but she holds her hand up to stop me and I sit back down.

After Casey returns she is pretty quiet the rest of the evening. Definitely a huge difference from her attitude when we arrived. She doesn't say much and I do most of the talking, Casey nodding politely here and there.

When we leave the restaurant Casey invites me back to her apartment. My heart flutters and I wonder if is she going to ask me to stay. I would love nothing more.

When we get up to her apartment we are barely through the door before Casey turns and kisses me. It's a passionate, wonderful kiss and just makes me melt. I completely give in to it, savoring every second and wishing it would never end.

We break apart and Casey looks at me with hungry eyes. She had a good dinner and she's ready for her dessert now. I stare hard at her, conveying the same message with my eyes.

I'm not usually this forward. I would never dream of having sex on a second date. But Casey is hardly a stranger and I feel the urge so strongly that I can't stop it.

We make our way to Casey's bedroom and she pins me to the wall, sucking on my neck hungrily. I'm struggling to take off my dress and Casey happily assists, then we go to work on hers. Both of our dresses fall in a heap at our feet.

I explore Casey's body with my hands and tongue, teasing her by slipping my tongue under her bra. She groans and squeezes my naked shoulders.

"Ohh, you want that, Casey?" I ask sexily, running my fingers down her stomach and sides.

She points to her bed and suddenly we are on it, Casey on top of me. I have never been with a woman before but somehow this all comes naturally. I remove her bra as if I'm an expert.

Casey suddenly sees the scar on my shoulder and touches it gently, looking into my eyes.

"That's where I was shot," I tell her. I don't like people to see it.

She smiles and kisses it. "It's beautiful. It means you are strong."

I almost start crying but Casey doesn't give me a chance to. Her hands are moving downward in an expert fashion. She is hitting every spot that my body aches for her to. I grip the comforter on her bed and moan as she teases my inner thighs with her tongue. It's clear she has done this before.

She's moved down even further now and her hair is tickling my thighs. She moves her tongue around the lips of my vagina and it throbs, wanting the pleasure that Casey is teasing.

By now I'm completely giving in. I had been nervous when we got back to her apartment; that's all gone now. I'm in Casey's experienced hands and I'm letting her take the reigns.

She teases me a bit more and I moan again. "Casey, stop teasing! Just give it to me!" My vagina is screaming for her. She raises her head and grins at me, and then I feel her tongue enter me.

There's no way to describe what I'm feeling. It's complete pleasure, like nothing I have ever felt before. I roll my head back and let out a primal moan. Every lash of her tongue brings me more pleasure and I release my juices all over her.

"God, Casey..." I can't even catch my breath. "You are incredible!"

She says nothing but I feel her remove her tongue and I groan in disappointment. But I'm not dissapointed for long. She thrusts two fingers inside me and my core muscles tightens around them. She looks up at me and tickles my stomach with her free hand.

Without warning she inserts a third finger. I tighten my legs around her head. It hurts, but it's a good type of pain. One I don't want to stop feeling.

I feel selfish for taking all this pleasure and doing nothing to satisfy Casey. I know she needs and wants this as much as I do. When she removes her fingers from inside me she climbs up to the head of the bed and lies down next to me. We are face to face and I reach out and stroke her forehead. I can feel her hot breath on my face.

"You're beautiful," I breathe out. "Absolutely beautiful."

Casey smiles and kisses me quickly. I want to make her feel as incredible as she just made me feel, but I don't know where to start. It's not often I am tentative and inexperienced.

Casey senses my apprehension and snuggles up close to me, curling into my side. She wraps an arm around me and kisses my head. "I'm tired. Can we cuddle?"

I'm happy to oblige. I hold her close to me and tuck my head into her shoulder. This close contact feels wonderful. It feels like everything I have been missing my whole life.

We lie in silence, holding each other. It doesn't take long for Casey's breathing to even and become steady and I know she is asleep.

I sigh in contentment and close my own eyes.

Casey is perfect. This is perfect.

And I can't imagine anything changing.


	11. Chapter 10

**CASEY'S POV**

I can't remember the last time I was this nervous.

Nerves left me long ago when it came to court appearances. Once in awhile a tough case will give me a minor case of the butterflies.

I'm not a worrier and I tend not to let things bother me too much.

But there's something about sitting in the oncology waiting room waiting to get a chemical that you know is going to make you sick pumped into your body.

I finger the freshly implanted port under my skin. They implanted it two days ago. It's about the size of a quarter and very flat, implanted right under the skin on my chest. I had asked for it to go somewhere else so it wouldn't be obvious when I wear certain things, but had been told it has to go on the chest. The skin around it is still a little tender. This is where they will hook up to me to pump the poison into my body.

My oncologist has been optimistic, feeding me the false hope that it may not be bad for me. Different people react in different ways; some people get violently sick and some hardly have a reaction at all. There is medicine to manage side effects.

But I'm not stupid. I know the odds that I'll be miserable for a couple days after are greater than the odds that I won't be. And I will certainly lose my hair.

I think that's the worst part for me. I have always loved my hair. It's always been thick and healthy. And I know Alex loves it too. What am I going to tell her when it starts to fall out? She is going to want to be with me then.

I was encouraged to bring someone with me for treatment, especially my first time. There's only one person I would want to bring and I know I can't burden her with this.

So here I am, sitting alone in the waiting room, scared to death.

I cleared my morning calender of any meetinngs or court appearances so I could come and be back to work after. I purposely gave myself a light day, prepared not to feel well when I go back to the office. I was told my first time would be a lower dosage to gauge what my side effects are going to be.

All too soon a nurse comes out and calls my name, and I follow her through the doors and down a stark white sterlile smelling hallway. My heart drops to my feet and I feel sick already. She offers me a tentative smile and leads me through a set of double doors.

This room is much brighter and friendlier. There are several treatment areas; large recliner chairs wirh various machines next to them. The walls are painted a calming pink collar, with a beautiful mural painted over top of it. Each area has a curtain that can be pulled around for privacy and a small TV sitting on a nearby cabinet. I can see various charging cables plugged into each station so patients can charge their devices.

"Did you bring anyone with you?" the nurse asks me as she gestures for me to be seated in one of the recliners. I sit and fidget nervously and she proceeds to take my blood pressure and write on my chart.

I shake my head. "I have just my girlfriend. It's a new relationship and I...haven't told her yet."

The disapproval is apparent on her face. I've had drilled into my head that I need support, and looks like she is about to reiterate that.

"You should tell her sooner rather than later. It will be hard to hide it later. Having someone here with you is tremendous support. Please think about it."

I really wish I could have her here. But I know the DA's office can't afford to have us both off at the same time, and our relationship is just starting out. Cancer would pour cold water over the whole thing.

Much too soon I'm hooked up and ready to go. The nurse gives me the remote to the TV and tells me to just relax, sleep if I'm able to. Try and keep my mind off what is happening.

I watch as she turns on the machine and it roars to life. I take a deep breath as I watched the yellow colored liquid start to travel through the IV and eventually into me. My entire body feels cold almost as soon as it enters me.

There's a blanket folded up in the empty chair next to me and I grab it, covering myself up. I can't believe how cold I am and this just started.

I try to watch TV. I find a CSI rerun and attempt to focus on it. I used to love this show, back when I had time to actually watch it. It's one I have seen before but I still leave it on, hoping to turn off my mind and just watch it.

But about an hour into the treatment I start to feel sick. I close my eyes and say aloud, "Don't get sick, Don't get sick," and make it my mantra. I feel if I say it enough I can make it real. I can get through this without getting sick.

And despite feeling extremely nauseous, cold, and developing a huge headache, I do make it through without being sick. The nurse comes back and unhooks me after an hour and a half. She asks me how I feel and when I tell her she tells me it's completely normal to be sick up to two days following a chemo treatment. She tells me to call my oncologist if the nausea becomes unbearable and they can prescribe something to help alleviate it.

They are keeping a week between my first couple of chemo treatments so I don't have to be back for another week. The appointment is scheduled and I'm on my way.

I make it as far as the parking lot before I have to throw up. I lean over behind some bushes and empty the contents of my stomach. After I'm done I stand back up and try and catch my breath. I expected to feel better after being sick...but I don't. I still feel nauseous and gross.

The drive into the office isn't easy. I decide next time I am taking a can. I'm so cold that I can't stop shaking, and so tired my eyes almost involuntarily close while I'm driving. I think I am going to have to pull over and be sick again before I even reach the office but thankfully I make it.

Once at the office, I go right into the nearest bathroom and splash water on my face. I grip the sides of the sink and look at myself in the mirror.

I look awful. I'm pale, and it's very apparent that I don't feel well. If I'm this bad after one treatment, what is it going to be like when the dosage is increased and the treatments more frequent?

I get sick again while I'm in the bathroom and then head back to my office. I say hi to colleagues on the way, acting as if nothing is wrong.

Once back in my office I can't concentrate. I'm at my desk attempting to work. I have to hug myself to suppress the shakes, and the nausea hits me again. I know this is not going to work and I end up laying on the couch in my office, my garbage pail next to the couch in case I have to use it.

I feel miserable. It's like the worst flu imaginable, only worse. My body starts aching and I just squeeze my eyes shut and attempt to sleep.

I must doze off, because when I open my eyes again I'm aware that some time has gone by. And the most beautiful blue eyes are looking at me with concern.

Alex is crouched beside me. "Casey," she whispers. "It's almost seven. Are you okay?"

I sit up groggily, another wave of nausea hitting me when I do. The whole day has gone by.

"Yesh," I tell her quickly. "I just don't feel good. I think I'm coming down with something."

No sooner are the words out of my mouth then my stomach lurches and I have just enough time to grab the garbage pail before I'm retching into it. Alex sits beside me and rubs my back soothingly.

When I've finished I slump against Alex unconsciously. I don't mean to lean on her for support. I just need it so much.

"Aww, sweetheart," she says gently. She takes the garbage pail from me and sets it down then pushes a strand of my hair behind my ear. "Come on; let's get you home. You can come to my place tonight. I'll take care of you. I have soup and crackers and everything we need."

I'm visibly shaking again and Alex takes off her jacket and drapes it around my shoulders. I let her lead me out of my office and to the parking garage like I'm a needy child.

Her comfort just feels so good.

I wish I could tell her what is really going on.

 **how long do you think she will be able to hide this?**


	12. Chapter 11

**This chapter is kind of short but is a turning point for the story.**

 **CASEY'S POV**

I've been getting chemo for four weeks now. I'm on a weekly schedule, and after my infusion today I have a two week rest period so my body can rebuild blood cells. I'm more than ready for it.

The chemo makes me so sick. Not a second goes by that I'm not exhausted, and the chemo makes that worse. The nausea and vomiting has become hard to deal with and the prescription my doctor put me on to deal with the side effects has done nothing to help alleviate any symptoms at all.

I thought I could solider through. I really thought I could. I thought I could still work and be myself. But unfortunately, this isn't the case. I've had to take two days off every week these past few weeks. At this rate I am going to run out of personal and vacation time.

But there's no way I can work. I get horrible muscle spasms and pain everywhere, constant nausea, and I never know when I'm going to have to run for the restroom. The last few times I have also gotten horrible tremors. The only way I can deal with it is lie in bed. I can't even concentrate on the TV. I can only lie there.

I have to admit to myself that I can't do this alone. Alex is already starting to get suspicious; she's concerned that I've been so sick lately and have so many doctors appointments. We have only been on one other date since the wonderful dinner she took me on. The days I feel good are few and far between and most of them have been spent keeping up on work.

It's the night of my latest infusion. I keep telling myself I have to get through this then I don't have to deal with it it again for two weeks.

My entire body aches. Sharp pains are gripping me everywhere and combined with my nausea and tremors this is the worst I have ever felt in my entire life. All I can do is lie in bed shivering, moaning and vomiting.

This is brutal. The absolute worst thing I have ever been through.

I want Alex with me, holding me. I know she would say and do the right things. My body aches for her comfort. God, why didn't I tell her what was going on?

As if I summoned her telepathically, Alex shows up at my door. She calls to tell me she is standing in the hallway.

At first I don't think I'll even be able to get out of bed. My legs ache and feel like they weigh a million pounds each. I feel dizzy and disconnected and my stomach lurches as soon as I stand.

It takes me a ridiculous amount of time to get to the door. When I finally open it, Alex is standing there in her court clothes, looking at me with a look of concern. It's clear she came directly from work.

I must look as bad as I feel, because Alex says, "Jesus, Casey, you look awful. Are you sick again? Branch said you were home sick again today."

"I feel awful," I tell her, trying to suppress my shudders. I cant stand any more; not under my own power anyway. "I'm sorry, can we go to my room? I really need to lie down."

Alex follows me, reaching out and supporting me as I walk. It's clear she knows something is going on.

She helps me get into bed, that look of concern never leaving her beautiful face. She sits on my bed, one hand on my arm, and stares into my eyes. "It's time you tell me what's going on, baby. You've been taking a large amount of time off work. When you have been there you have been distant. You have had a lot of appointments. You've been sick more than you should be. You haven't wanted to spend time with me." She stops, searching my eyes for answers. "What is going on? I want the truth."

I sigh. I know I can't lie to her anymore. My next round of chemo is going to be twice a week, and my hair will start falling out soon. This is only going to get worse and harder to hide. Plus there is no way I can hide my port the next time I'm naked in front of her.

She's still looking into my eyes, waiting for any type of response. I have a feeling that deep down she already knows.

She reaches out and feels my forehead, that frown reappearing. "You're so hot, sweetie. Burning up. Did you take your temperature?"

I shake my head. "I owe you the truth." She nods, her eyes wide. I take a deep breath and brace myself for the fallout. "I lied to you about my test results. I have cancer - Leukemia. I've been getting chemo for four weeks. That's why I have been taking time off work and why I've been so sick."

Alex removes her shoes and without hesitation crawls into bed with me. She grabs my down comforter and wraps it around us both, pulling me close to her chest and holding me.

She's crying; that's the next thing I'm aware of. She's holding me tight and I can smell her sweet strawberry shampoo as my hot burning body presses up against hers. I'm still shaking uncontrollably, and Alex does her best to warm and soothe me.

She should be angry with me. I lied to her for a month. It's unacceptable and I don't deserve her comfort or care right now.

"Oh, Casey, sweetheart, why wouldn't you tell me? Why have you been suffering with this alone?" she asks, her voice quivering and giving way to emotion. "The thought of you enduring something so terrible alone just destroys me. I should have been there for you. You should have let me be there for you."

I hug her and find myself sobbing gently into her shoulder.

"I'm sorry," I say softly, so quietly I don't even know if Alex can hear me. "I didn't want to burden you. You're so busy and we can't both take off work...You don't need to be dragged down by this."

I find myself consumed with tears again.

God, why can't I be stronger?

Alex doesn't let me go. She doesn't even loosen her hold on me. She pulls the comforter down tighter and I'm hit with a particularly sharp pain in my arm. I cry out and bite my lip, trying to ride it out.

"Body aches...so bad...I feel so miserable, Alex." I start to cry again. I'm so, so thankful she is here. Even if I don't deserve her, I'm happy to have her.

"Baby," Alex says softly, her voice laced with emotion. She presses a kiss to my neck and wraps her arms around me tighter. "I'm here. You're not a burden to me in any way. I hate seeing you like this. Do you have any medicine to make you feel better? Anything at all I can do for you?" She's rubbing circles on my back gently. "We're going to talk more about this when you feel better. But for now, what can I do for you sweetheart? How can I help?"

She already is, even though she doesn't know it. There isn't much she can do aside from what she is already doing.

I look at her sad eyes and plead with her. "Just keep holding me?"

I see tears rolling down her cheeks again as she pulls my head to her chest. I snuggle close to her as she says, "Of course I can do that."

 **Casey finally told her. Did Alex react the way you thought she would? next chapter will be her POV so you can see what she is thinking.**


	13. Chapter 12

**ALEX'S POV**

I don't relax until I get Casey to sleep. She's so sick and in so much pain that it takes hours. Hours of rubbing her back and talking softly to her. Hours of wiping her tears and shedding my own.

I know she's asleep when she quiets and goes completely still, her breathing evening out. She's clutching me tightly, her warm breath on my neck.

I'm still wearing my silk blouse and suit jacket and it's very warm but I don't dare move to take it off. Casey needs this rest and I don't want to wake her. I'll lay with her for as long as it takes.

My heart is broken. Absolutely shattered. Casey didn't feel she could tell me the truth about her condition. Why? Did she think I would leave her?

I'm actually mad at myself for not figuring this out. The absence from work, the nosebleeds, the vomitting...it was all there. I consider myself an intelligent person; I should have known what was going on.

So many possibilities danced through my mind. I thought maybe she regretted being with me and was missing work to avoid me. I thought maybe her doctors had missed something. It even briefly occurred to me that she may be pregnant and wasn't telling me. It just never once crossed my mind that she had cancer and wasn't telling me.

And why Casey? She's kind and caring, and the least deserving of this out of all the people I know. I am just getting to know her; getting to love her. Why do we have to face this? I won't know all the details until we talk more but I know she has a long road ahead of her.

A road I won't let her walk alone.

.2

Casey sleeps all night and after some difficulty I fall asleep as well.

When I awaken my neck hurts from my awkward sleeping position and I realize Casey is no longer by my side in the bed. I sit upright in bed, scanning the room for her. I know she couldn't have gone too far.

I get up and wander out into the hall, stopping when I hear the shower going in the bathroom. It causes me to smile; at least she's feeling well enough to shower.

That means she is well enough for the talk we have to have.

A few minutes later the shower stops and Casey emerges from the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her head, wearing pyjama pants and a white tee. She finds me in the kitchen making coffee.

She still looks quite pale but not half dead like she looked last night.

"Are you feeling better?" I ask as I switch on the coffee pot.

"A bit. The body aches usually only last the first day. I'm still hurting but it's not debilitating right now. And I haven't thrown up yet today." She sits down at the table and takes the towel off her head, tossing her hair over her shoulder and drying it with the towel. I sit down across from her and offer her a smile. "I get two weeks off before I have to start my next round. Let's make the best of it."

I certainly like her suggestion, and I'm very glad she's feeling better. But I can't let her off this easy. She's told me no details of her condition.

"Casey," I start, in that nagging girlfriend tone. "I want to ask you something." She looks at me and nods. "Am I your girlfriend?"

Her eyes are wide and she blinks several times, not quite sure what I mean. "Well...I thought so? I mean, we've gone on dates and had sex...so yeah, I thought you were?" Her expression turns to one of worry. "Was I wrong?"

I shake my head. "Absolutely not. I thought the same thing. I'll admit I was nervous giving myself that title...You know I have never been with a woman before. When we had sex, I was terrified. But you took the lead and showed me how it's supposed to be. You made me not afraid. And it was the best sex I ever had. You should be proud."

Casey blushes and looks away.

"But I don't want to talk about sex. I want to talk about you. I asked if I were your girlfriend because I just can't understand why you wouldn't tell me what was going on. I know what you said...But It's bullshit, Casey. If I've shown you anything it's that I really care about you."

I'm actually insulted that Casey thinks she would be a burden to me in any way. Do I really come across as that cold and unfeeling?

"First of all, regarding work, that should be the furthest thing from your mind. Second, a burden to me? Really, Casey? I've chosen you. I've chosen to be with you, to share whatever life throws our way. Do you think I'm going to change my mind because you're sick? Give me some credit, please."

"Alex, I didn't mean - " Casey starts to say, but I hold a finger up to silence her.

"No. Let me tell you what is going to happen." I put on my most authoritative voice, the one I usually reserve for the courtroom. "I'm going to every chemo treatment with you. Work be damned. You're going to fight this; correction, we are going to fight this. You're going to get through it and I'm never once going to leave your side. It won't scare me away, no matter what happens or what I have to see. You're going to stay with me during treatment and don't even try to fight me on this. You and that damn lizard are staying with me."

That makes Casey smile. "You leave no room for argument, do you?"

I shake my head. "Sure don't." She looks away and I gently hold her under her chin and force her head around so she's looking at me again. I lock eyes with her. "Never lie to me again. Ever. I want you to be open and honest with me."

The coffee pot beeps and I get up and pour us each a cup. I put sugar in both and return to the table, handing Casey her cup. She thanks me and takes a sip.

"So what do they say? What's the outlook?" I want to know what we are up against, but part of me is afraid to hear it. I don't know how I will keep composure if Casey says the outlook isn't good.

Casey shrugs. She grips her coffee cup with both hands and looks at the table top. "Fifty fifty. Won't know if the chemo is working until the next round. May need a bone marrow transplant eventually." She pauses and then looks at me. "I'm going to lose my hair." Tears well up in her eyes.

That seems to profoundly sadden her and it hurts me. I give her a sympathetic look. "Maybe not. Not everyone does. My aunt had breast cancer and had chemo. She never lost her hair." I know that's rare, but it stil offers hope.

Casey doesn't look convinced. She looks back at the table top sadly and I cover her hand with mine. "But even if it does happen, it's a small price to pay for your life. It will grow back, Casey." I take another sip of coffee. "We can do fifty fifty. We can beat those odds."

Casey looks back up at me. I can see relief written all over her face. "Thank you, Alex. Thank you."

I give her hand a squeeze. She gets up to go back into the bathroom and finish getting dressed.

As soon as she is gone I put my head down on the table and close my eyes. This is going to be so hard, for both of us. I'm trying to be optimistic for Casey - I know she needs me to be. But fifty fifty odds don't give us much to work with.

My thoughts are interrupted by Casey calling me from the bathroom. Her voice has a sense of urgency and sadness and I immeaditely get up and run to the bathroom. The door is open, and Casey is standing in front of the mirror fully dressed.

At first I don't know what's wrong. She seems okay. But then she slowly turns and looks at me, and I see what she is holding in her hand.

A big chunk for her hair. She has tears in her eyes and looks completely horrified.

I move to her side and see her hairbrush and more hair in the sink. It must have come out while she was brushing it.

The broken sobs escaping Casey's lips right now break my heart. Every cry is a dagger in my heart. I put my arms around her and hold her while she cries, telling her it's going to be okay and not even really believing my own words.

 **Aww Casey. This will be a hard adjustment for her. I want some suggestions from readers on what Casey and Alex should do while Casey is chemo free for a couple weeks. what would you like to see them do?**


	14. Chapter 13

**CASEY'S POV**

No chemo for two weeks is heaven.

It's been four days since my last treatment and I feel completely normal. I'm able to eat, I have more energy, I'm able to focus at work. I know this is only temporary until I begin treatment again but I'm going to enjoy it while I can.

I've lost some hair; my hair is noticeably thinner and more brittle. I cringe every time I get in the shower. I still have pretty goood coverage but I know it's only a matter of time before I have to break down and shave it. And that's going to be incredibly difficult for me.

I'm trying not to think about it right now. I've kept myself occupied with work. I've been in court pretty much all day and after my last appearance I go back to my office.

I've been working in my office for about an hour when there's a knock on my door and it opens slowly.

Alex steps into my office with a smile and I immeaditely stand up to greet her with a kiss. I haven't seen her all day and just her presence alone makes me a million times better. Stress of work and being sick just melts off me.

When we break apart from our kiss, Alex links our fingers together and plays with the lapel on my suit jacket. "I wanted to see how you're doing. And I have something to tell you too."

I smile and sit down on my desk facing her. "I'm good. I feel better than I have in awhile. I was able to keep food down today." I cross my arms in front of my chest. "What do you have to tell me?"

Alex stares hard at me. "Before I tell you, I want you to know this will probably make you mad but happy at the same time." I raise an eyebrow and she continues. "We're both taking next week off and going to my family cabin in Middletown. It's secluded and away from everything and the perfect place to unwind and relax."

Both of us taking off work at the same time? Is she crazy?

A cuddly week in a cabin sounds completely appealing to me, especially with Alex. Knowing her background I am sure the cabin is elaborate and the property beautiful and it's just the kind of retreat we both need.

But logically, it won't work.

"We can't do that; my caseload is huge, plus I need all my personal and vacation time for my treatment. It sounds lovely, Alex. But I can't."

It's clear from the look on Alex's face that she is not giving me a choice here. She didn't ask me; she told me we are going. And once Alex decides something it's a done deal.

"Don't worry about it. I've made all the arrangements." She sits down on the desk next to me and keeps our fingers linked. I feel myself relenting. "It will be perfect. There's a cute little lake; we can go swimming and kayaking. Lots of wildlife for you to make friends with."

She's making it sound better and better. I'm well aware of the fact that she is only doing this because I'm off chemo for right now and we may not get another chance for awhile. I don't know what strings she pulled to get us both a week off work, but I don't question it. She is Alex Cabot after all, and Alex Cabot carries a lot of influence.

I turn my head and look at her. She's looking at me with a hopeful expression, her blue eyes sparkling behind her glasses.

God she's beautiful.

I feel myself smiling as I nod. "Okay. I would love to go with you, Alex. It sounds like fun."

At that moment there's a knock at my door and it starts to open slowly. I stay seated exactly where I am, keeping a hold of Alex's hand. Alex on the other hand stands up quickly and lets go of my hand, trying to keep an air of professionalism towards whomever is coming into my office.

It's one of our newer ADAs, Jon, wanting to ask me a question about a case he is working on. He doesn't seem at all surprised to find Alex in my office but she is still quick to excuse herself and tells me she will call me after work.

I sit down with Jon and go over his case, trying to focus on the task at hand.

But I can't help but be dissapointed that Alex didn't seem comfortable showing me affection in front of a colleague.

.2

I have my bags packed and I'm at Alex's apartment early on Saturday. The plan is to spend the day together and drive to the cabin early tomorrow.

Despite my initial hesitations about going, I have to admit I'm excited.

Alex is wearing jeans and a Harvard hoodie when I arrive at her apartment. She looks so casual. Seeing Alex wearing anything outside of work attire is like spotting a unicorn. It makes me smile. She looks adorable no matter what she wears but there's something about her in tight fitting jeans that drives me wild.

"We have to go to the pet store," I tell her. "I need some extra crickets for Monty for when we are gone."

I could have gone and got them myself but I want Alex to go with me. Mostly I want to see the look on her face when the crickets are being bagged up. I know they freak her out. I smile to myself thinking about how she's going to react.

They have snakes there. Maybe I'll make her hold one. My grin grows wider when I think about that.

We decide to go right away. Alex never goes to the pet store, as she has no pets. She asks me what kind of pets they have there.

We're taking my car and I turn to look at her as I'm driving. "The one I go to is a reptile speciality store. They have many types of lizards - geckos, water dragons, skinks, anoles. They have snakes and tortoises. Also hamsters, guinea pigs, rats, and I think chinchillas and ferrets."

Alex scrunches up her face. "Rats? As a pet? And what is a chinchilla?"

"I had a rat when I was a teenager. He was awesome. They are actually really good pets." I look back at the road. "You've never seen a chinchilla? They're cute, you will like them. And super soft. They have super dense fur and have to have dust baths."

When I look back at Alex she is smiling at me. "It's cute that you know so much about animals."

"I worked at a pet store in high school and college," I tell her.

When we get to the pet store I'm like a kid in a candy shop. I love animals - especially reptiles - and they have so many new ones to look at since I was here last.

Alex follows me behind me as I lead her down the aisle lined wirh reptile habitats. We stop and look at the Russian tortoises who have an open enclosure with lights mounted above it. Alex asks me some questions about them and I can tell she is genuinely interested to learn. She especially finds it interesting that they are vegetarians and will eat fresh veggies.

I tell her different facts about the various lizards and she listens and asks questions. And as we make our way towards the snake habitats, she grabs my hand and holds it.

I don't know if it's because we are approaching the snakes or if she just wants to show me affection, but the gesture makes my heart melt. Holding her hand feels so natural and right, like we should have been doing this for years.

We get to the snakes and I feel Alex stiffen beside me. Her grip on my hand intensifies and she shakes her head. "Anything but snakes. Lizards and turtles I can handle - not snakes."

I smile at her. "They are amazing creatures. I want you to see how beautiful and amazing they really are."

I flag down an employee; a young high school aged kid whose name tag claims him to be Dominic. I tell him we would like to see the snakes and as he goes off to fetch a key to open the habitats, I turn to Alex again.

"We will get out a corn snake. They are small and gentle. Very cute little noodles."

Alex gives me a glare but doesn't object any further. She knows she has lost this fight and she's accepted it.

I enjoy seeing Alex's vulnerable side. This is the side she never shows at work, that no one would believe exists if they didn't see it.

The habitat is opened and Dominic gets the corn snake out slowly. He hands it to me and since I'm experienced in handling snakes, I know how to hold him. He's a beautiful albino color and very small and docile.

Alex steps away, giving a little yelp. "Ugh Casey, put it back. Look at it slithering..."

I smile and present it to her. "That's what they do. He isn't striking; he's relaxed. Small slow movements around them. Don't show you're scared."

I grab her hands and before she can say anything I transfer the snake into them. Her eyes go wide in shock as I take my hands away and she realizes she is holding him on her own. He wraps himself around her wrist.

"Casey!!! Take him!" Alex practically screams.

I put my hand on her shoulder. "Just calm down. He's fine, and you're fine. Just enjoy the feel of him. He trusts you. Just relax."

Slowly she does calm down. I stay right next to her, watching the snake intently and prepared to step in if I have to.

She's looking at him, no longer with the horrified look in her eyes. When she meets my gaze, she smiles. "Okay, this isn't so bad. He's kind of...cute."

I knew she could do it. I take and give him to Dominic and then I hug her tightly. "See? You did it. I'm proud of you." When we break apart, I give her a kiss. "Next, you have to hold Monty and feed him crickets."

"I'm not touching those bugs," she says sternly. "I mean it, Casey. They're creepy."

"I have tongs," I tell her. I sling my arms around her shoulders as we walk. "I believe in you!"

Alex throws her head back and laughs. A hearty, loud laugh and it makes me smile. Something as simple as a trip to a pet store has made me forget everything. I'm enjoying myself and letting myself be happy and content.

I know a huge part of that is Alex. She has a way of making me feel everything is all right. We walk hand in hand throughout the rest of the store, checking out everything.

I'm with my girlfriend and I'm happy. Deliousrly happy.

3.

My happiness is short lived, however.

That evening when I shower at Alex's apartment, I'm horrified when I look down and see several long strands of hair circling the drain.

It's worse when I get out of the shower. I figure towel drying will be easier on my hair than the heat of the hair dryer but when I take the towel away, more hair comes away with it. As I look into the mirror I almost start to cry.

I have bald patches now. When my hair dries I know they may not be as noticeable but it's only going to get worse.

I wrap myself in a towel and sit on the toilet, swaying back and forth and trying to remain calm. I can't let this spoil the trip for me or Alex. I have to keep my composure.

A knock at the door a short while later startles me. Alex calls my name softly, and I realize I've been sitting on the toilet for over a half hour.

I don't want Alex to see me like this, so I quickly get up. At that instant the door opens and Alex comes in.

She looks at me apologetically. "I'm sorry, honey, I just wanted to make sure you're okay. You've been in here for awhile."

I look at her and start to reply, but I can't form coherent words. A pathetic cry escapes my lips and Alex immeaditely looks down at the sink, where the towel and hair is gathered. She understands instantly.

She meets my gaze, her blue eyes full of understanding and compassion. "It's okay, Casey," she tells me softly.

I reach up and feel one of the bald patches and I just lose it. Despite all my efforts to be strong, I burst into tears again. I'm crying so hard that I let go of the towel wrapped around myself and it falls to my feet.

I'm standing in front of Alex, completely naked and bawling my eyes out. Alex pays no attention to me being naked. She moves to me and takes me in her arms.

"I don't want to lose my hair," I sob into her chest. "Why is this happening to me"?

Alex tells me the same thing she told me before - that I'm strong and can get through it, that we will do whatever is necessary to make me feel good about myself.

I pull away from Alex sharply, suddenly embarassed. "It's not okay, Alex. I'm going to be so ugly. Who is going to want to look at me? I'll be ugly."

I know perfectly well I am having a pity party but I can't stop. This all seems unfair.

Instead of trying to comfort me again, Alex pulls the top drawer of her bathroom cabinet open. She rummages around until she pulls out a plastic bag and as I look I realize it's an electric razor.

She plugs it in without a word. I cringe, knowing perfectly well she is going to try and talk me into shaving the hair I have left.

"Okay, Casey," she says. She switches the razor on and to my immense shock she raises it to her own head.

It's then I realize what she is about to do. I grab her wrist to stop her. "Alex - no!"

I am beyond touched that Alex would even consider doing that for me. It chokes me up. As I stand holding onto her wrist and looking into her eyes, I can see how much she really loves me.

She was going to do it - I could tell, see the intention in her eyes. Alex has perfect hair that she spends hours making look beautiful and she was about to shave it all off so I wouldn't feel so alone. She's amazing; absolutely incredible.

"Please don't," I beg. I love Alex's hair, and I know she loves it too. I pick up a strand and play with it between my fingers. "Please. Your hair is beautiful. Don't do it."

She puts the razor down and takes my face in her hands, staring at me right in the eyes. "And you are beautiful. With or without hair. Not having hair is not going to make you any less beautiful." She gives me a deep, passionate kiss. "You're Casey Novak, and I love you."

I look down at my hair in the sink. It still makes me sick to see it, but I no longer fear that Alex won't want to be with me. I swallow harshly and touch the thinning hair I have left.

"I'm just scared," I confess. "What other people are going to think. How can I go to court like this? Or even go to work, go out in public?"

Alex shakes her head. "It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Only what you think of yourself. We can get you cute bandanas and hats. Everyone will be jealous. And even a wig if that would help you feel better. Whatever you need, we will figure it out. You're not alone."

And for the first time, I realize I'm not alone. Alex means every word she says. I'm really not alone in this fight. She was willing to sacrifice something she loves so much just to make me feel more comfortable. Everything she does is for me, to make things easier for me.

I need this week away - We both do. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and focus on Alex, give her what she deserves. I need to forget about my hair, about starting chemo again, about cancer, about everything.

I promise myself it's going to be the best week of my life.

 **What do you think of what Alex was going to do? next chapter will be quite fluffy - our girls need a good time.**


	15. Chapter 14

**CASEY'S POV**

It's a two-hour drive to Alex's family cabin and she insists on driving. I don't mind at all. I'll take being the passenger anytime.

"Let's grab drive-thru for lunch," I suggest.

Alex looks at me and then back at the road. "Drive-thru? We can stop somewhere if you want."

"It's our first road trip, let's get drive-thru and eat in the car like normal people."

Alex chuckles. "Normal people? I don't think we qualify. But okay. What do you want?"

I don't waste a second. "McDonald's."

I can almost read the digust on Alex's face. She's probably never eaten McDonald's a day in her life. Or if she did, it was probably a fancy coffee or salad.

"McDonald's? Really Casey?"

I grin at her. "Really. Have you even ever had it?"

"Well of course. But I prefer something a little classier."

"Fries are classy; they're French." I cross my arms in front of my chest. "Large order of fries and 2 cheeseburgers."

Alex takes the next exit off the highway and we quickly find a McDonald's. She pulls in and I smile at the influence I have on her.

We go through and order and once we have the food, Alex passes it to me. I hoard the fries right away and hand Alex her cheeseburger.

She balances it on her lap and reaches out a roaming hand. "My share of the fries, darling."

I clutch the pack of fries and shake my head. "There is no share of fries for you. These are mine."

"You wanted large fries for us to share. Give them up."

I shake my head again. "Yes I wanted large fries, for me. You assumed I was going to share? You assumed wrong."

Alex laughs, amused. "You're going to deny your girlfriend fries? I'll starve to death."

I shrug, eating a couple more fries. "Guess you should have thought about that."

It feels so good to have this easy banter, to have something to look forward to and not think about work or my sickness.

I know it's on on both our minds. I can tell that Alex is thinking about by the way she looks at me. As if I'm delicate now and might break. We both promised not to mention cancer, chemo, or my hair all this entire week. We are going to be a normal couple.

"So tell me one thing you're afraid that's completely ridiculous," I suggest when we've finished eating. "And I'll tell you one thing I'm afraid of."

Alex thinks for a moment, her eyes on the road. "You'll think it's totally stupid..."

"That's the point. Now spill."

She sighs. "Bats."

"Bats?" I laugh. "Like the animal?"

She nods. "They are so creepy! They make those little squeaks and flapping sounds with their wings. They are dirty and have rabies. My grandma used to get them in her basement and once in awhile they would get into the main part of the house. I remember one night I got up to go to the bathroom pretty late and one was flying around. It flew so close to my head that I heard its wings."

"Did you know their poop is called guano?"

Alex turns and glares at me. "It figures you would know that."

"I thought everybody did."

"Tell me more, miss science. Is that supposed to make them cute or something?"

"Some are cute. Google a picture of different kinds. Some are adorable."

Alex shudders. "I hate them."

As if to prove a point, I Google pictures of fruit bats, which are adorable. I enlarge the picture and hold it in front of Alex's face.

She smacks my hand away. "I'm driving. Get that horrible thing away from me."

"He's not horrible; He's cute."

Alex smiles. "Your idea of cute and mine are different."

"I'd say. I find you cute, so...I guess my taste is off." This gets a smack to my arm from Alex, and she laughs.

"Well, what are you afraid of?" she demands. "I told you mine, now you tell me yours."

"Night driving. I'm scared to death to drive at night. Always have been. I'll literally drive with my hands clutching the steering wheel so tight my knuckles will go white."

When I look at Alex she is looking at me sympathetically. It makes me uncomfortable so I look out the window, slightly embarassed. I shouldn't have told her.

"That's so tragic, baby. Afraid to drive at night. Awww."

I think she's mocking me and my suspicions are confirmed when I look at her and see a sneer on her face. She's trying to keep her eyes on the road, but ventures a glance at me and bursts out laughing.

I cross my arms in front of my chest and feign insult. "Well! See if I tell you anything again. Making fun of a legit fear of mine!"

"You shoved a picture of a bat in my face!" Alex reminds me.

I love how we have this relationship; how we can torment each other and still know when it comes right down to it, we have each other's back.

I think I love this woman; I think I love Alex Cabot. I love her smile, her laugh, her touch. I love how she was willing to shave her head just to make me feel more comfortable with myself.

I won't say it, because it's much too soon.

But I know I love her.

.2

The cabin is beautiful. It's everything I expected, and more.

It's very private and secluded, with a long winding driveway and a beautiful sparkling lake in back. A gorgeous deck in front with a hot tub I know we will utilize and various deck furniture including a porch swing. I've always loved them and found them romantic.

And there's the most elaborate grill I've ever seen. Alex had told me there was a grill; we even stopped and got hot dogs, burger patties, chips, soda, buns...everything you need for a nice American cookout. But this grill...it exceeded my wildest expectations. It's massive, and immaculately clean as if it's never been used. It wouldn't surprise me if it hadn't.

The inside of the cabin is even more elaborate. There's a little loft type balcony where a bed is off the main living room. It's really cool, and like nothing I have ever seen.

There's a large flat screen TV mounted above the fireplace in the living room and Alex told me there is satellite service at the cabin. The couch is a large, overstuffed sectional.

The refrigerator is nicer than my fridge at home; modern with an LCD sceeen.

It's a cabin that they barely use, and it's nicer than my apartment.

There's a dock out back and a boat house which Alex tells me has a kayak and waverunner.

Not a bad place to spend a week, and the company is even better.

The cabin has two bedrooms- fully furnished, I may add - and we unpack our bags in the larger of the two. It has a nice large king size bed, but I want to sleep in that bed on the loft.

"So...do you like it?" Alex asks me hopefully. "Want to crash here for a week?"

I nod and pull Alex into a tight embrace, grazing her lips with mine. "It's beautiful. And I like the blonde it comes with even better."

Alex kisses me back and rubs my cheek with her thumb while looking into my eyes. That look conveys just what she feels for me, and it makes me feel like a million bucks.

"How about you fire up that grill? I'm hungry. The few fries I got to eat were unfullfilling. Make me something good."

I start to walk away to the kitchen where we put the grocery bags, and Alex smacks my ass. I turn around, surprised, and she just raises an eyebrow at me.

Damn. This woman is beyond sexy. How am I supposed to behave normally when she does things like that? Does she even know how amazing she is?

"If you want me to make you dinner, you'd better not distract me." I suck in a breath and try to keep my urges at bay. "Do you have charcoal anywhere?"

Alex has that grin playing at her lips. "I was just letting you know what I want for dessert. And yes, out by the grill."

I know what she means but I can't help but say, "You want to have me for dessert out by the grill? This cabin has so many more comfortable places to make that happen."

Alex plays right into it, her hungry eyes starving for something she won't get from anything grilled. "Don't give me any ideas. I already have plenty."

This is a new side of Alex, and I like it. Once you get her away from the office and away from the city she really relaxes and let loose.

She follows me to the kitchen and unpacks the paper plates and plastic cups while I go look for the charcoal and attempt to fire up the grill.

I've never been at the helm of a grill this nice but I am able to figure it out. It has so many knobs and dials its like being in a cockpit of a plane.

We decided on burgers tonight. I'm grilling away when Alex comes up from behind and puts her hands on my hips. She leans in close and whispers, "Smells good, chef."

I give her a smile and a kiss on the neck. "I'll make you a good dinner."

The burgers turn out great. We got chips to go along, and we sit and eat at the table on the deck. It's a sunny day; not real warm but not cold either.

I'm surprised by how much Alex eats. She can really put it away when she wants to. I don't think I've ever seen her eat so much in one sitting.

We spend the rest of the day just relaxing. It's good to unwind and not have any place to be. Neither of us brought our laptops, and vowed not to even mention work.

We're going to enjoy each other this week, and I'm going to enjoy not thinking about being sick.

We're cuddling on the couch under a soft fleece throw blanket that evening watching a stupid Lifetime movie on the TV when Alex sits upright and looks towards the doors, a worried expression gracing her beautiful features.

"What's the matter?" I ask, sitting up and following her gaze. It's dark and I couldn't see anything out the windows even if I tried.

"I heard something. Like a crash and someone walking," she says.

I frown and stand up, causing her to do the same. I doubt it's anything but want to check it out anyway. We both know better than to mess around.

We walk towards the door. "Maybe it's a bat!" I suggest, grinning and grabbing at Alex. She literally cries out and stands behind me, as if using me as a human shield against this possible bat.

I can't help but laugh. "Get a grip, Alex. I was joking. It's not a bat. Maybe a cat or a racoon out on the deck. Let's just go back to our cuddle session." I grin and add, "As long as they couch is not covered in guano."

Alex stays cemented in place, gripping my arm tightly in fear. "I heard something, Casey...I'm sure I did."

I realize she's serious so I switch on the hallway light and look at her. She looks utterly terrified and I realize I need to stop making fun of her at this moment. This isn't a joke to her.

My smile fades and I reach out and take her hand. "It's okay, baby," I say softly. "Really."

She doesn't look convinced. She swallows harshly and looks past me to the deck doors.

I turn and look at them too. There is a motion activated flood light on the deck and I realize it's on, meaning there is something or someone out there.

My heart rate picks up and I start to think defensively. I hold my hand up and tell Alex to go back to the bedroom and get her phone in case we need to call the police, and I tell her to wait there for me while I go investigate what is outside.

"Casey - don't! Let's just call the police. Don't go out there."

"Go get your phone, Alex," I say sternly and quietly. "Stay in the bedroom." She doesn't move so I turn and look at her. "Alex! Go!"

She gives me a worried look but does hurry off to the bedroom.

I tiptoe to the deck doors. I don't see anything out the French door windows or the windows on either side of the doors. No sign of anyone or anything, but I know those lights don't come on for no reason.

I hold my breath and put my hand on the door handle. I psych myself up and slowly open the doors, stepping outside.

It's a a cool, crisp night. The thick air hits me and I breathe it in, making myself cough.

Great. Way to be conspicuous, Casey.

I should have brought a flashlight, or a weapon of some kind. This is incredibly stupid. Just because I don't see anyone doesn't mean someone isn't crouched in the bushes or behind a tree in the darkness just waiting to attack. And here I am, standing in the open on the deck, unarmed.

Suddenly, I hear a sound to my right. I instantly turn my head towards the sound, just in time to see a opossum fall down from the grill and scurry off into the bushes.

I nearly laugh out loud. Not a raccoon or a cat, but close. Scavenging our leftovers from our cookout this evening.

I'm laughing when I find Alex in the bedroom. She's pacing in front of the door when I walk in.

"It was an opossum. No bats in sight," I announce.

She smiles at me. "My savior! Did you chase him away?"

"Pretty sure he was after you. But yes, I told him you're taken." I grin at Alex.

Alex grabs my hand and pulls me down onto the bed. "I am definitely taken, by the most beautiful girl in the world." She pats the bed. "Join me?"

 **I wanted some fluff before we get into heavy stuff. there will be more fluff next couple of chapters before they have to really have to fight for Casey's life**


	16. Chapter 15

**ALEX'S POV**

We've been at the cabin for four days, and it's been the best four days of my life. It's been just me and Casey, no distractions at all. We've been walking, kayaking, cooking out, sitting on the porch stargazing, playing board games that we found in the cabin.

And today Casey wants to go swimming in the lake. I think it's too chilly and the water is too cold, but Casey had stuck out her bottom lip and poured at me. How the heck can I say no to that?

Neither of us brought bathing suits but Casey said she figured something out for us. I'm at a loss as to what it is but I have been ordered to sit at the kitchen table and wait for it. So that's what I am doing right now.

She's taking a long time doing whatever she's doing and I'm growing impatient. "Casey! Did you fall asleep on me?"

"Patience! Perfection takes time!" comes her immediate reply.

But she doesn't make me wait much longer. She comes out of the bedroom wearing a towel wrapped around herself, and comes to stop in front of me. I raise my eyebrows and gives me a lopsided goofy grin, and then suddenly drops her towel. She's completely naked underneath.

I sit there gaping at her. It's not the first time I've seen her naked, not at all, but I'm very surprised to see it right now.

"Your turn. Get changed. The lake is calling us," Casey says.

It's then I realize what she has planned. She wants us to swim - in the nude.

The cabin is secluded and private and I know that no one will see us, but I'm still hesitant. Two assistant district attorneys swimming naked in broad daylight?

I don't move so Casey guides me to a standing position and tugs on my shirt. "Come on. Cooperate with me."

I laugh at Casey's eagerness and in one motion rip my shirt off so I'm just wearing my bra and jeans. Casey starts fo unsclasp my bra. "This has to come off too. Also your jeans. Come on, Alex, don't make me do all the work."

I am highly amused by this side of Casey and despite my reservations, I strip down so I'm completely naked like Casey.

I feel so exposed and vulnerable, as if anyone could see me right now. I have to fight the urge to hug myself.

Casey smiles, quite happy with the sight before her. She takes my arm and starts leading me out of the cabin.

I finally hesitate once we are outside and I'm hit with the sunlight. Being naked inside is one thing; being naked outside where anyone could happen by is quite another.

Casey senses my nervousness and turns around, giving me one of her smiles. "It's okay. It's just us out here. I promise you're going to have fun. Just let loose and give in, let yourself have fun."

She's right. This week is all about us and getting our minds off work and Casey's illness. A time to try new things.

We hold hands and jog down the dock, stopping at its end and looking down into the water. We look at each other as if to build our courage up - and then we plunge into the water.

It's cold - So much colder than I expected. I draw in a sharp intake of breathe. "Holy shit this is cold! Oh my god!"

Casey is holding onto me and I feel her shivering but she says, "Your body will adjust. Give it a few minutes."

"You mean I'll go numb."

She laughs and gives me a kiss, and that warms me up from the inside. "Pretty much, yeah."

The water isn't deep here but we crouch down so we're submerged. Casey advances on me and captures my mouth with hers, and I monetarily forget how cold the water is and kiss her back.

She has me where she wants me, and without warning, dunks my head under water. I come up with my hair drenched, spitting out water. Casey is laughing at me and I splash her in the face. That just causes her to giggle more, and she disappears under water and I watch her swim a few feet away, out further into the lake.

When she resurfaces I am right there, and I splash her again, causing her this time to put her hands up as a shield.

"You're already as wet as you're going to get; there's no 'wetter' why are you blocking my splashes?" I ask curiously.

Instead of answering, a devilish smile spreads across Casey's face and she goes under water again. This time she comes right at me, and as I turn around, she surfaces and grabs me, pulling me down with her. She holds me under water and we swim a few more feet out before breaking the surface and coming up.

The water is deeper here, almost over both our heads and both of us are tall. We come up for air, holding onto each other and laughing.

I feel like I'm sixteen, like I'm doing something rebellious I shouldn't be doing. And it feels great.

Casey comes towards me and reaches out and fondles my breasts. My nipples immeaditely harden from being stimulated and she grins at me, her touching exploration moving downward.

God, are we going to have sex right here in the lake in the middle of the afternoon?

I touch her back in the same fashion and she closes her eyes and nuzzles my hand. She's so gentle and breathtaking no matter what she is doing.

We touch each other awhile longer and then just start splashing around, laughing and acting like children.

Casey doggie paddles back to the deck and quickly scampers up onto it and at first I think she is going to run back to the cabin. But instead she gets a running start and cannon balls into the water gracefully.

I'm laughing as I drag myself up on the deck with more difficulty than Casey had. She quickly gets up beside me and helps me stand.

We hold hands and count to three, and then jump into the water again.

I have no idea why or how this is fun, but it is. I can't remember the last time I had more fun. Casey makes anything enjoyable and we spend at least two hours in the lake before Casey gets tired and we finally start to walk back to the cabin.

We're halfway there when I notice it.

A black leech stuck to the side of my breast. I panic and try to flick it off, and when it doesn't come off I tell out. "Casey! I have a leech!"

Casey turns around, and instead of sympathy written on my girlfriend's face, she laughs at me.

"It's so not funny!" I desperately feel around my body for more and feel one attached to my back as well. By now I'm freaking out.

Casey approaches me and grabs the leech on my breast and pulls it off like it's nothing. She tells me to turn around and gets the one off my back just as quickly, and I lean into her and hug her.

"Don't worry, they didn't eat much. Besides, I'm the only one allowed to suck your breast."

I smack Casey playfully as I check her over for leeches. She doesn't appear to have any and just shrugs. "Guess they knew who the hot one is."

I make a face and rub my back. "That's so gross. Leeches!"

"Haven't you ever had one snacking on you before?" Casey asks me in shock. I shake my head. "Wow, Alex. You really were sheltered. I used to swim in the lake by my house all the time as a child and always got them."

I always knew I never had a normal childhood; while other kids were getting dirty playing in ponds and catching frogs, playing outside and riding bikes, I was practicing piano or studying.

We go back inside dripping wet and I go to the bathroom and get us towels. When I return to my girl, she's shivering, so I drape the towel around her trembling shoulders.

She thanks me and without thinking tosses her hair back and starts to dry it with the towel. When she pulls the towel away, a very large chunk of her hair comes away with it.

I pretend not to see it but Casey sees me looking and gives me a sad look.

Neither of us know exactly what to say. It's better to pretend it didn't happen than to dwell on it right now.

I go into the bedroom to get dressed while Casey disappears into the bathroom. After she's in there for about five minutes she calls me in.

I walk in to find her dressed, with an electric razor sitting on the counter. She looks at me and then at the razor. "I brought this...just in case. I - I tried to do it but I can't." She picks it up and offers it to me. "Will you do it, please?"

She wants me to shave her head. Looking into her sad eyes I know this is going to be incredibly difficult for both of us. But I see the need in her eyes and on her face, and I know I don't have a choice.

I nod and take the razor from her. She turns around and faces the mirror, running her hands through the hair she has left. It's not much, and very thin. We both know it's just a matter of time before it all falls out.

I ask her if she's ready, and she grabs a hold of my arm and nods, closing her eyes tightly. I take a deep breathe and lower the razor.

I've never shaved anyone's head before but I'm sure I can do it. I try to steady my shaking hand and turn it on its lowest setting.

I tell Casey to let me know if I'm hurting her and I gently shave in a downward direction starting at the top. The hair she has left drops away at my feet, and Casey sobs again. Her cries are breaking my heart.

I just do it and don't stop until all her hair is gone, then I go over her scalp again to clean it up.

Casey doesn't open her eyes, even when she hears the razor shut off. My heart lurches as I look at her bald head and I kiss it. "You're beautiful, Casey."

She shakes her head and keeps her eyes closed, not wanting to look.

I gently pull on her arms. "Baby, open your eyes. I promise it's not bad. You're beautiful."

She slowly opens them and touches her head as if she isn't sure it's real. Then, just as I expected, she starts crying.

I immeaditely put my arms around her and kiss her head again.

"I'm so ugly," Casey sobs. "How can you even look at me?"

I break away from her and take her face in my hands, her words breaking my heart. "Honey, I love looking at you. You're the most beautiful girl in this world. You're far from ugly, Casey. You couldn't be ugly even if you tried."

Tears are streaming down her beautiful face and I know nothing I can say will make this okay at all.

I tell her it's okay even though it's a lie. I just shaved my girlfriend's head, who was losing her hair from her chemo treatments.

None of this is okay.


End file.
